


Fallacies

by orphan_account



Category: Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alana Bloom - Freeform, CHILANA, Dr. Frederick Chilton - Freeform, F/M, Mild Language, Pre-Canon, Sexual Content, Which apparently is nonexistent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-20 17:13:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1518677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alana Bloom and Frederick Chilton work down the hall from each other at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. And they absolutely cannot stand to be near each other. But Alana knows she has to learn to cope with him somehow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Night In

**Author's Note:**

> All events take place about 6 months before the beginning of the show. Beverly and Alana are very good friends in this fic.  
> This is my second fic and not at all similar to my first fic but I hope you all enjoy it anyway!

Alana walked into the elevator with straight posture and long strides. The day had been hectic and tiring, more so than normal. All she wanted to do was go home and take a long hot bath but she wasn’t about to let the world know how tired she was so she held her head up so she would look awake and energetic. This would change as soon as she got into her car to go home. She could look cranky and have hunched shoulders while driving and no one can say anything because she’ll be behind a box of metal and glass.

As the elevator door was closing, a hand flew between the doors. Alana had already seen who it was and let out an exasperated sigh. This was the last thing she needed.

“Ah, Dr. Bloom,” he said. There was always a sarcastic tone when he said the doctor part. That was when he even bothered to acknowledge her profession at all. Sometimes Alana wanted to wave her degree in his face and scream at him but even then, she knew he wouldn’t stop.

“Dr. Chilton,” she said bitterly.

He gave her a smile that she imagined he would give to a homeless man while refusing to give him any change. “You know what, I think I’ll wait for the next one,” he said, stepping back and off to the side, away from the elevator.

Alana could see his smug expression as the elevator doors closed. She tightened her grip around the files she was holding and clenched her teeth. Working in the same building as Frederick Chilton was enough to make her want to vomit but to have to work in an office two doors down from his just made her want to break furniture all the time. It was hard enough to see him in the halls but he was constantly putting her down and it had always been that way, since they had first met.

Back then it was more subtle. He would speak about her work in condescending ways, respond to her suggestions as if they were simple truths, and dismiss any opinions she had that he disagreed with. The way he used to speak to her made her feel that he would at least consider what she was saying before disagreeing. Slowly, though, it became more and more obvious that he didn’t think much of her. He would put her down in front of colleagues, in front of administrators, in front of officers and nurses and guards and even prisoners. He spoke to her like she was beneath him and he looked at her even worse. What she hated the most was that he was constantly smiling at her, like he had an inside joke she didn’t know. He enjoyed mocking her and putting her down.

 _Why that asshole became a psychiatrist is beyond me,_ Alana thought. _Don’t you actually have to care about people to help them?_ She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down as the elevator doors opened. She walked across the lobby and through the entrance. As she crossed the pavement towards the parking lot, she looked over her shoulder at the building: big, old, and surrounded by trees. It looked frightening enough without the sign reading _Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane_. She hadn’t wanted to work here. The thought of being surrounded by psychopathic murderers used to terrify her but after seeing Abel Gideon a few times and having sessions when he was first institutionalized, she had realized how much the inmates needed help.

Some of these people would be in this hospital for the rest of their lives. Others will be out in the world eventually. Either way, Alana felt they needed psychiatric help just as much anyone outside the hospital walls. The trouble was that less psychiatrists were willing to work in a hospital for the criminally insane than they were to work with clients that they charged by the hour and saw in cozy offices.

Alana reached her car and walked over to the passenger’s side so she could set down her purse and files on the seat. When she closed the door and turned to go to the driver’s side, she started, noticing someone was standing behind her.

“Wow, you scare easily,” Chilton said, giving her the mocking smile he always did. “Are you sure you want to be working here, where there are big, scary baddies roaming the halls?”

“Well, seeing as all the big scary baddies here are behind bars, I don’t see why it’s an issue,” Alana said, crossing her arms. “The only person that makes me want to leave this place and never come back is you.”

“Ouch, my feelings,” Chilton said, putting his hand to his chest. “You might want to be nicer to me, Miss Bloom. I do run this place, after all.”

Alana exhaled. “What do you want, Chilton?”

“I want to go home.”

“What?”

Chilton tapped the car next to Alana’s. “This is my car,” he said. “You’re blocking my door.”

“Whatever.” Alana rolled her eyes and walked around to her driver’s side. It irritated her to no end that she could never think of snarky comments on the spot. Fuming, she climbed into her seat and backed out as soon as she started the engine so she could cut Chilton off. He slammed on the breaks and Alana could read the anger on his face from his reflection in the rear view mirror. She flashed a smile at him when he caught her eye, did a little wave and drove off.

It had been over a year since she started working at the hospital but Alana still wasn’t used to Chilton. It was the constant condescending comments, the little mockeries, the snickering at anything she said that drove her insane. She would’ve preferred it if he would just outwardly express his hatred for her instead of all these small things he did. She hated letting those things get to her and she hated Chilton more for knowing how much it bothered her.

She was no longer tired when she arrived at her house. Instead, she was infuriated. _Maybe a movie night can make that go away,_ Alana thought. She picked up her phone and called Beverly.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Bev,” Alana said.

“Hey, Alana. What’s up?”

“Nothing, really. Just had a really bad day today.”

“Oh, sorry to hear.”

“You want to come over and have a movie night? I need something to calm me down.”

“Sure, Alana,” Beverly said. “What are you in the mood for?”

 

Forty minutes later, Beverly and Alana were curled up on Alana’s sofa in sweatpants watching the cheesiest romantic comedy they could find.

“I swear these people just make up the most unrealistic boys on the planet and give them some sort of accent to make American girls say ‘Oh, these type of guys do so exist! They’re just all in England!’” Alana mocked.

“Anything to hold onto the hope that they’re different,” Beverly added.

Alana groaned and threw popcorn at the screen. “Why do we love this crap?”

“ _You_ love this crap, Alana,” Beverly countered. “I put up with it because I love you.”

“Yea, well, it’s better than those stupid offensive comedies that you’re so obsessed with!”

“At least the people in those movies actually get laid instead of all this build-up for a peck on the lip.”

“Ugh, who even needs to talk about sex all the time,” Alana muttered.

“Says the girl who hasn’t had a night out in, what, months?”

“Oh come on, Bev, you know I’m not looking to date anyone!”

“Well who said anything about dating? Can’t you just have a hook up?”

Alana shifted in her position. “I don’t do one night stands, Bev,” she said.

“Well maybe you should try it,” said Beverly. “Just once. You get the action without the drama.”

“Now there’s a genre of film we both enjoy.”

Beverly laughed. “Nice try, but we are not changing the subject. Do you want to get all prettied up and go to a bar or something?”

“For the sole purpose of getting laid?”

“Why not? Guys do it all the time,” Beverly said. “All you have to do is find a hot guy that you have nothing in common with and boom!”

“Why can’t I have anything in common with him?”

“Well you don’t want to get attached,” Beverly explained. “So you have to find someone you can’t see yourself with.”

Alana nodded. “That makes a lot of sense.”

“Right? So come on!”

“What?”

“We’re going to get you laid!” Beverly exclaimed, jumping up. “Come on, let’s get ready. I need to borrow a dress.”

“No!”

“Oh good call,” Beverly said. “I can go in sweats so you’ll look extra hot in comparison.”

“No, Bev,” Alana said, attempting to calm her down, “I mean, I don’t want to go out!”

“So you _don’t_ want to get laid?”

“Definitely not tonight,” Alana said.

“You’re no fun, Al.”

“I’m still angry about how big a jerk Chilton was.”

“I could not put up with that ass!” Beverly said, sitting back down beside Alana. “I mean, I’ve only met him a couple of times and he is _such_ a know-it-all.”

“Yea, I can’t stand him. He’s so patronising and rude and malicious all the time and I can’t do anything about it!”

“You know what would be good payback?”

“What?’

“Sleeping with him,” Beverly said, smirking.

Alana burst out laughing and Beverly immediately joined in. “Oh my god, can you imagine?!” She cried.

“I couldn’t even keep a straight face while saying it!” Beverly said.

“How am I supposed to look at him the same way now?”

“Hey, it was a suggestion, not a sex dream.”

Alana gave Beverly a shove. “Do _not_ plant that idea in my subconscious! If I have a sex dream about Chilton,” Alana said, shuddering, “I swear I will murder you while you sleep.”

“Will that be before or after you get in his pants?”

“Shut up!” Alana yelled, barely able to control her laughter. “How about we stick to something more realistic?” Alana suggested.

“You mean like your nauseating chick flicks?”

Alana threw a kernel of popcorn at her. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

“Fine,” Beverly said.

They both curled back onto the couch and continued watching.


	2. Rude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana has a very unsettling dream and tries to avoid Chilton at all costs. Her efforts backfire in the worst possible way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two, everyone! It was so fun to write.

Most days at the hospital were fine. Some days were great. A few were horrible. Due to the nature of her work, the day depended greatly on the interactions she had with other people and whether they were positive. Alana had decided that one would be very surprised at how open and willing to engage in therapy some of the inmates seemed to be. She thought this was the case because most inmates were starting to become aware of what they had done and they understood the need for therapy.

It’s always interesting to see how people react to therapy. When she had her own practice, she noticed that many privileged teenagers that came to therapy were disrespectful and childish when it came to discussing their issues, even when those issues were causing them a lot of harm. On the other side of the spectrum, teens that didn’t have a great background or had a history of having behaviour problems were much more open to receiving therapy. It’s as if they know the cruelty of the world more because they’ve seem more of it.

A lot of the time, the inmates she treated behaved differently on a day-to-day basis. It was because of this that whether her days were good or bad almost always depended on her sessions. Some days, she didn’t have sessions, but meetings and those days were always standard. The problem, however, was that, no matter how much she wished it didn’t, much of her day depended on Chilton.

It didn’t bother her much if he was being his normal obnoxious self and she had a good day otherwise. It would impact her a bit if she had a great day and he dampened her spirits by being extra nasty, and it crushed her if he was being nasty and she had a bad day. Usually he would make some passive-aggressive comment that Alana would just shake off.

At the end of some days, they would end up at the elevators together. This was the only time they really spoke to each other one-on-one. Well, it was more like interacted because they didn’t usually say much besides a simple greeting.

On this particular day, Alana didn’t see Chilton when she was waiting for the elevator at the end of the day. Maybe her day, which had been completely average, will end on a good note, she thought. The good note being that she wouldn’t have to see Chilton. She smiled to herself.

Just then, the elevator arrived and opened, showing Chilton inside of it. He was on the phone so Alana stepped into the elevator without saying anything, but Chilton put his hand up and gestured for her to leave the elevator. Alana obliged, assuming that the call must be about a patient and therefore private. However, as the doors were closing, she heard Chilton say, “No, tell the dry cleaners they need to hurry. I need that suit by Wednesday.”

Alana’s mouth dropped open. _Are you actually serious_ , she thought, shaking her head as she pushed the down button for the next elevator. She let out a laugh. Sometimes laugh was all she could do, really, since moments like this made her feel like she was in a sitcom: some twisted comedy about a hospital full of murderers.

 

The next day, Alana called Beverly while she was on her lunch break in her office. She knew that Beverly didn’t have work until later that evening so she would be available to talk so Alana didn’t waste any time. She skipped the greetings when Beverly picked up and went straight to venting. “I hate you so much,” she said.

“I see, I see,” Beverly said. “And how does that make you feel?”

“Is that a jab at my profession, Katz?”

“I don’t know, Bloom. Is it?”

“You’re only provoking me further, you know,” warned Alana.

Beverly chuckled. “Into doing what, may I ask?”

“Murdering you while you sleep.”

“I vaguely recall you telling me you would do that,” Beverly said. “Oh, wait. You say that to me twice a day.”

“Well, I’m proper mad at you today!” Alana said. “And I thought you ought to know.”

“Okay,” Beverly said, “What did I do this time?”

“You planted unclean thoughts into my mind.”

Beverly laughed. “What?”

“Don’t laugh, this is serious!” Alana said.

“Okay, okay,” Beverly said, humouring her, “Which unclean thoughts did I plant?”

Alana sat down at her desk. “Promise not to laugh?”

“Nope.”

Alana sighed and buried her face in one of her hands. “I had a sex dream about Chilton last night,” she muttered.

As expected, Beverly burst out laughing. “Oh, okay,” she said between snickers, “Now I’m caught up.”

“This isn’t funny, Bev!” Alana whined. “I’ve been scared to run into him all day! I didn’t even go anywhere at lunch! I packed it myself so I wouldn’t have to leave my office and risk seeing him.”

“Oh, come on, Al, aren’t you being a bit melodramatic?”

“ _No._ Ugh, this is all your fault for putting the idea in my head in the first place.”

“Maybe your brain needs a better defense mechanism,” Beverly countered. “But enough about that. So tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“About the sex dream, you bozo!”

“Do I have to?”

“You don’t have a choice, Alana.”

“Fine,” Alana said, defeated. “We did it standing up in the hospital elevator.”

“Ou, kinky!”

“Bev!”

“I’m kidding!”

“Good.”

“Mostly,” Beverly teased.

“Bev,” Alana whined.

“Alright, sorry! Go on.”

“Well there wasn’t too much else to it, really. Although there were people getting on and off the elevator while we did it.”

“Damn it, I should’ve saved my kinky comment for this.”

“It was so weird. They were the most random people,” Alana explained, “There was a clown, a nun, a Chinese delivery guy, a bus driver… Oh, and at the end, Chilton’s tailor walked in and handed him a suit.”

Beverly laughed. “You do realize that this dream is going to haunt you for the rest of your life, right? Unless, of course, you fuck him in the elevator.”

“Ha-ha-ha, you’re funny,” Alana said, rolling her eyes.

 

She had managed to avoid Chilton for the entire day. She even left work early to avoid him. She didn’t want to leave later than normal because Chilton would often work overtime. He didn’t have much of a subconscious, was apathetic towards most people, and looked out for himself 90% of the time, but he definitely was a hard worker. He had to get to his position somehow, right?

Alana stood waiting for the elevator twenty minutes before she was supposed to when Chilton walked down the hallway and stood beside her. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ Alana thought. There was no escaping him.

For a moment, she stood next to him, feeling uncomfortable and awkward but trying not to show it. She wished he had been preoccupied somehow, like looking through files or checking something on his phone so she wouldn’t really have to engage him in conversation.

“Ah, Miss Bloom,” he said. “We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”

Alana wondered if he noticed that she was feeling awkward and was trying to lighten the mood or if he was just being himself and mocking her. Either way, the comment irritated her and she didn’t reply.

“I mean, I could’ve sworn I hadn’t seen you all day but it’s like you _knew_ I finished early today.”

“Are you serious? Alana said, irritated.

Chilton seemed a bit taken aback by her comment. “It was a joke,” he said. “Calm down.”

The elevator opened. “Whatever,” Alana said, getting on. She half expected Chilton to wait for the next elevator like he often did, but he entered right behind her.

“That really is your favourite word, isn’t it?” He muttered.

“When you’re around, absolutely.”

Chilton looked at her briefly and then shook his head, letting out a short laugh. “What is your problem, anyway?” He asked, pushing the ground floor button.

“What?” Alana asked. She was a bit surprised by this. Nothing she said had ever offended Chilton, and he never questioned her about it.

“You’ve consistently been rude and intolerable to me since we’ve met.”

Alana was utterly flabbergasted. “You’re kidding me, right?” She said, stunned. “ _You’re_ calling _me_ rude?”

Chilton shrugged. “Yes.”

Alana’s surprised turned into anger. “Where do you get off saying that to me!?” She said with her voice raised.

“Actually, I thought I was putting it rather nicely,” Chilton said, not responding to her anger.

“Oh yea? Then what would you like to call me if not rude and intolerable?”

Chilton shrugged again. “Something along the lines of obnoxious and, well, a jackass.”

Alana laughed.

“What’s funny?” Asked Chilton.

“Oh nothing. It’s just that whenever I have absolutely no words, I can’t help but laugh,” she replied.

“What?”

“You’re unbelievable! Seriously, look who’s talking!” Alana yelled. “There is not a single thing that you have _ever_ said to me that hasn’t been condescending in some way or another.”

Chilton looked at her as if she had grown another head. “Alana,” he said, “I run this place. My job is to watch over everyone who works here and if you think that by criticizing your efforts, which, again, is my job, I’m being condescending, then that’s just your misinterpretation. In any case, if you can’t take criticism, maybe you shouldn’t be working here.”

“Yea, well, if I didn’t know you, I might believe you,” Alana said as the elevator doors opened. She hoped that they parked on opposite sides of the parking lot so she didn’t have to walk with him.

Just as she started to leave, Chilton grabbed her arm. “Hold it,” he said, roughly pulling her back next to him. “We are not done here.” He pointed to the man about to get on the elevator. “Wait for the next one,” he said.

“What are you doing?” Alana asked.

Chilton pushed the button to the top floor of the building. “I am _not_ the one who started all this,” he said, clearly furious.

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play stupid, Alana, it doesn’t suit your face or your profession.”

“I—”

“For some reason, you’re a complete ass to me and I want to know why.”

“I’m not an ass, Chilton,” Alana countered. “I just can’t stand talking to you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re a _condescending prick!”_ Alana blurted out without thinking.

“I just told you,” Chilton said through clenched teeth, “I am literally doing my job. And what exactly is it about me doing my job that offends you so damn much?”

“You know what? It’s not even what you say but how you say it.”

“Meaning?”

“You just love putting me down,” Alana accused.

Chilton huffed, “Please.”

“It’s true!”

“You think far too much of yourself,” Chilton said, “If you seriously think that I focus all my energy into subtly insulting you every chance I get.” The elevator doors opened to the top floor.

“Fuck you,” Alana said, “I’m getting off here.”

“Are you sure? That’s a lot of stairs to go down,” Chilton said and she stepped off. “And you look pretty fucking tired.”

“Yea, you’re right,” Alana said. “I’ll wait for the next one.”

Chilton stared at her, knowing that he had said those words to her many times over the past year. He took a deep breath and relaxed his face, making it so no emotion could be read. “Till tomorrow, Dr. Bloom,” he said.

The elevator doors closed, leaving Alana to stand there, clenching and unclenching her fists. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments and let me know what you think.


	3. Waiting for the Next One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana decides she needs to find a way to channel her emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty mellow and a bit of a filler, but necessary. Hope you enjoy it.

Alana stormed into her office when she got home and went straight to the box of recyclables. One by one, she took pieces of paper and ripped them apart viciously. This was something that she did when she got angry to help her calm down. She ripped a single sheet of paper in a myriad of pieces and she ripped seven pieces of paper at once in half. She kept going, digging around the bin for more paper to rip.

_How dare he say that to me_ , she thought. _He has been a jerk to me the moment we met and he thinks_ I’m _the problem?_

Alana found a magazine in her box and started tearing away at it.

_I’m obnoxious? I’m a jackass? Where the hell does he get off?_

She opened the magazine to the middle and started ripping the pages out one by one.

_As if I don’t get enough shit from him at all the meetings we have._

Alana finished with the magazine and started digging around for any more paper that was still intact.

_Why do I even work with that moron?_

Unable to find any more paper, she started crumpling all that she had ripped into balls.

_Oh, yea, it’s because I actually_ care _what happens to the people in that hospital._

Her frustration didn’t seem to be diminishing so she started throwing balls of crumpled paper at the walls.

_That arrogant asshole! Ugh! How did trying to avoid him turn into the worst thing I could have done?_

Realizing that her anger was only growing, Alana decided to take a bath.

_And I ‘look tired?!’ What the fuck was that?_

She ran the hot water and filled the tub with bath salts.

_How did I even think I could look at him in an intimate way?_

She climbed into the bathtub and submersed herself in the water for a moment before coming back up for air.

_I mean, I knew exactly what he was like. And having dream-sex with Chilton doesn’t make him desirable or a potential romantic partner in real life._

Tearing away at all that paper was a good way to channel her anger and frustration, but baths were really the best way to calm down.

_I just wish I’d have remembered that before I decided to dodge him all day._

She played with the suds on the surface of the water.

_Whatever. What’s done is done, and he is definitely not worth my time._

She slid down until only her face was peaking up above the water.

_Well, at least now I have a genuine reason to avoid him tomorrow._

Alana settled into the bath.

 

For the next two days, Alana managed to avoid Chilton completely. It had been easier to avoid him than she had thought it would be but she eventually realized that he was avoiding her as well.

It felt strange to her. She was used to having to avoid Chilton when she wasn’t having a good day or if she was tired or if she felt emotionally drained, but Chilton had never made an effort not to see her. For the first time since they had become coworkers, she didn’t have to worry about running into him. She could go about her day without having to be on her toes and this lifted her spirits more than she thought it would. Suddenly, her day, which had thus far been average at best, turned out to be a great one.

When she saw Beverly later that night, she told her about the fight she had with Chilton and the current situation, to which Beverly replied, “Wow. You sure do love to talk about Chilton, don’t you?”

Alana was surprised by the comment. “What?”

“You talk about him every time we see each other,” Beverly explained, “And at length!”

“I’m sure that’s not true!”

“Hell yea, it is!”

Alana opened her mouth to protest but stopped. She thought back to the last three times she spoke to Beverly and whether or not Chilton had come up. “Oh my god,” she said. “You’re right!”

Beverly shrugged. “I know,” she said, taking a sip from the bottled beer in her hand. She had been able to convince Alana to come out with her to a bar. They both were sitting at a booth, enjoying a girls’ night, but Beverly had mentioned a couple times that if Alana wanted to leave with someone, she wouldn’t mind in the slightest. In fact, she might even encourage it.

“Well, to be fair, he is a huge part of my days at work,” Alana justified, “And you know I’m a workaholic.”

Beverly chuckled. “That’s an understatement.”

“Well, you haven’t seen Chilton at work. He doesn’t leave late too much but he’s always at the hospital when I get there in the mornings, no matter how early I think I might be.” Alana said, playing with the beer bottle in her hand.

“Alana.”

“I guess he’s just a morning person. I don’t think he has many friends so why would he want to be finished with work on time? He’s not married so he doesn’t have anyone to go home to.”

“Alana, you’re—”

“Maybe he goes home and works more. That wouldn’t surprise me, really, because—”

“Alana.” Beverly put her hand on top of Alana’s arm to get her to stop talking. “You’re doing it right now.”

“Doing what?”

“Talking about Chilton excessively.”

Alana turned red. “Oh my god, I am so sorry!”

“That’s okay,” Beverly said.

“You just told me I talk about him all the time, and I found a way to bring him up again!”

“Can’t say I blame you, really.”

“Ugh, I cannot stand him!” Alana exclaimed. “It’s one thing that I have to deal with him constantly, but to have him in my head all day? Ugh!”

“Okay, well first of all, please lower your voice because we are in public,” said Beverly. “Second, do you want another drink?”

Alana sighed. “Sure,” she said, smiling.

“Cool,” Beverly said. “Why don’t you go get them?”

“But you’re the one who offered!”

“Yes, but _you’re_ the one who needs to get laid, not me,” Beverly explained. “You aren’t going to get hit on sitting in a booth sulking.”

“Why are you so obsessed with getting me laid, anyway?”

“Honey, you are the most wound up person I know. Something needs to be done.”

“I am not!” Alana protested.

“Yes you are! You’re always working and stressing about work and thinking about work! It’s all your life has become!”

“Well I would talk to you about it if I could but I can’t because I can’t talk about patients,” Alana explained. “Maybe that’s why I’m so wound up.”

“I guess, Alana,” Beverly said. “But honestly, don’t you miss getting some action?”

“Bev—”

“Look, I know you don’t want a boyfriend, or even to date anyone. I know. But I’m just saying, don’t you want _something_ to do other than work? Something to focus all your pent up energy on?”

Alana sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

Beverly smiled. “Yea?”

“Yea. But don’t get too excited.”

“Why not?”

“I still haven’t decided that I’m positive I want to do this,” Alana said. “So it definitely won’t be happening tonight.”

Beverly pouted. “I guess I can live with that.”

 

The next day, Alana begrudgingly got into her car and drove to the hospital. It was her day off. She was tired and slightly hung-over from the night before with Beverly and had originally planned to have a lazy day: stay in pajamas, order a pizza, and watch some movies. That was before she realized that she had accidentally brought home a file that Chilton needed before tomorrow.

When she got to the hospital, she went straight to Chilton’s office. She didn’t want to see him, but she was more turned off by the idea of putting in all the effort to avoid him when all she needed to do was give him a file and leave.

When she got to his office, he wasn’t there. _Just my luck_ , Alana thought sourly. _The day I don’t care if I run into him is the day I don’t without effort._

She turned and went to the elevator, which opened as soon as she pushed the down button. _Spoke too soon_ , she thought when she saw who was already inside.

“Dr. Bloom,” he said.

“Dr. Chilton,” she replied. They really did see each other in the elevator a lot, didn’t they?

“Isn’t it your day off?” he asked.

“I just came to drop off the Laurence file for you.”

“Ah, yes. That explains your appearance. You couldn’t possibly have come to work looking like you do.”

Alana ground her teeth. “Of course not,” she muttered bitterly.

Chilton looked at her for a moment. When she didn’t say anything, he said, “Waiting for the next one, I assume?”

Alana realized that she still hadn’t gotten on the elevator. The doors were just about to close when she slipped in. “Well,” she said, “you know what they say about assuming, doctor.” She saw that they were both going to the ground floor of the building.

Chilton didn’t respond to her comment. The two of them stood next to each other in awkward silence for a moment before Alana spoke. “I hope you know that this has been the worst part of my day,” she said.

“Oh really?” The elevator opened to the ground floor. “Then you must be having the best day,” Chilton said, leaving the elevator.

Alana waited for him to be ten steps ahead of her before leaving the elevator herself. She had no idea why she said what she had. She was annoyed about having to come to the hospital, not about having to be near Chilton. Still, she knew exactly how it would sound before she said it.

At the same time, though, running into him when she thought she was home free was quite irritating. She watched him walk in front of her. He moved with so much arrogance that it annoyed her just to see him. It was easy to see that he thought himself an extremely important person. _Yea, you run the place, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like you’re better than everyone else here_ , thought Alana.

Suddenly, something Beverly had said to her the week before popped into her head. “You don’t want to get attached so you have to find someone you can’t see yourself with.” Beverly had said this when she was talking about Alana having a one-night stand. _Now there’s a thought…_

Before Alana had even fully processed her thoughts, she quickened her pace. “Chilton!” she called out. _This could either be the best plan or the worst plan_ , she thought. “Chilton!”

He turned. “What is it, Miss Bloom?” He asked, mildly irritated. “I have a meeting to attend in—”

“Can I come over tonight?” Alana blurted out.

Chilton seemed utterly shocked at her question. “Can you…”

“I…I kind of need…a night out,” Alana stammered. She didn’t blame him for being surprised. She was still shocked herself that she was proposing this.

Chilton stared at her for a moment before regaining his composure. “Yea, alright,” he said, clearing his throat. “What time would you like to come over?”

Wow. That was easy. “Uh, I don’t know. How is 8 o’clock?”

“Hmm.” Chilton nodded. “Sounds good. I’ll text you my address.” With that, he turned and kept walking to his car.

Alana watched him as he walked away. He was definitely not someone she could see herself with. His gait hadn’t been altered in the slightest. He didn’t look over his shoulder at her as he walked away. Other than the initial surprise that he had felt, he didn’t seem affected by her proposal at all. She took a deep breath, tried to calm herself down, and turned to go to her car in the opposite direction. _Oh my god_ , she thought. _What the fuck have I just done?!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know if you guys have noticed, but I'm pretty fond of foreshadowing. Thank you for reading!


	4. Taste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana reflects on what happened between her and Chilton

Alana had never really been an impulsive person. Everything she did was always well thought-out and planned so she really had no idea what happened when she asked Chilton for a hook up. Then again, when it came to Chilton, she never really thought about what to say. It was so easy to be direct towards him and he came to expect it from her. They did not like each other and they were not afraid to let the other know. So it made sense that her request was completely out of the blue as well.

His house had turned out to be exactly as she pictured it. The remarkable thing about this was that Alana could barely figure out what Chilton’s house would be like beforehand. Questions ran through her mind in the car ride over. What does he like to put on the walls? What kind of furniture does he have? What kind of lamps does he own? Alana could not think of a single thing. She couldn’t imagine Chilton loving a certain colour and she couldn’t imagine him wanting to buy a rug for a room and she couldn’t imagine colourful plastic containers or charming magnets on the fridge or printed sheets or cushions with patterns. No matter how fleshed out she imagined the house to be, it disintegrated as soon as she pictured Chilton in the space. The only thing that Alana could picture Chilton fitting into was a hospital-like setting. Not a hospital for the criminally insane, but just a hospital: white walls, white lights, light floors.

It surprised her how accurate that ended up being. His walls, his appliances, his furniture were all light colours; light wood, white paint, mixed with some stainless steel. It felt sterile and everything looked cold. The only thing Alana approved of was the size of the windows. Some of them took over entire walls and the view outside to the wide, open property that belonged to Chilton was breathtaking.

Alana assumed that Chilton’s bedroom would at least show some personality but even that was simple and unoriginal and looked untouched with the sheets on the bed resembling the blue colour of hospital robes. She felt as if the entire house were a model home that she was looking at as a potential buyer. No personality.

And Chilton fit into it perfectly. Alana could just read on his face that he thought himself so impressive, standing in front of her under high ceilings and a low chandelier in a pale button-down shirt tucked into what Alana could only assume were three hundred dollar trousers. He did not ask her to take her shoes off but she did so anyway since he was walking around in black socks. Alana thought that maybe white socks became dirty too quick and that made him uncomfortable. Seeing as how everything was so clean in his home, that he also wanted his socks to be spotless made sense to her.

What he had set up for her was underwhelming. His kitchen had a small white table that could fit about four people and he brought out what was obviously noodles from a Chinese restaurant that delivered. The noodles were on white plates and had disposable chopsticks next to them. When Alana sat down, she felt the cold of the chair through her dress and instantly shivered. Chilton clearly noticed but he did not say a word about it. It was as if he wanted to make it clear that he was not about to change anything about his home to accommodate her visit, even if for a few hours.

When he had invited her in, it had felt like an appointment. Like she was a patient to be examined, and this only added to the hospital vibe Alana got. He did not comment on her appearance and he did not ask to take her coat and he did not welcome her. It was like he didn’t even want her to be there.

 

At 6:15pm, an hour and 45 minutes before she was expected at Chilton’s house, Alana sat in her shower. She let the water fall on her head like heavy rain and it poured from her shoulders like waterfalls, with her collar bones getting in the way like rocks sticking out above the surface of the water flowing through rivers. She was having a hard time figuring out how to go about this. She didn’t know how to dress or what to put on her face. What does one wear to a one-night stand?

The mirror was completely fogged up when she left the shower and Alana wiped away a section of it with her hand. She stared at her reflection, wondering if the longer she stared at it, the less it would feel like it is her and more like it is someone else. And then maybe she could make an outsider’s observation and provide answers.

Alana decided eventually to get ready as if she were going on a date. She put on one of her wrap dresses and grabbed a small purse. She wore simple shoes with a small heel and put studs in her ears. She put on some eyeliner and mascara, and some light coloured lipstick. She did not wear foundation or concealer.

She looked at herself in the mirror when she was done. She felt as if she were overdressed for the situation, but knowing Chilton, she felt like he would judge her if she did not come looking good, but he would judge her even more if she showed up overdressed.

She ended up matching with Chilton perfectly.

The biggest problem of the night ended up being communication. Initially, it felt formal, but within minutes, it became clear to Alana that Chilton had thought that this was a date. She felt absolutely humiliated as she sat across the table from him, eating lukewarm noodles with chopsticks that she had to break apart and check for splinters.

It was awkward to say the least, because it did not seem like Chilton had wanted to be on this date at all. The two of them ate in silence for the first few minutes of their date, which turned into making small talk about work and cases and the meeting that Chilton had been at that afternoon.

It wasn’t too long, though, before Alana said something passive aggressive and Chilton responded with a condescending comment. The awkwardness dissolved in an instant and the conversation became a fight. No matter how hard Alana thought back to that night, she could not remember how the arguing had begun. She only remembered how it had ended.

The two of them somehow found themselves in the living room. They were so used to arguing in confined spaces that it seemed a pity not to use all of the openness around them. But then again, they had never fought like this before.

Chilton and Alana saw each other one-on-one for a few minutes everyday and most of the time they didn’t speak to each other. Now, on a date in the privacy of Chilton’s house, there was no danger of being overheard by workers or officials and there were no limitations due to time. They yelled at each other until they both needed water to calm the scratch in their throats. And when the scratch was gone, they would yell again until Chilton finally exclaimed, “Fucking hell, Alana, why on earth did you even ask me out in the first place!?”

“I wasn’t asking you out, you dimwit,” Alana yelled back, “It was a _booty call_!”

“Well, _shit_ , you should have been more clear on that!”

“Was ‘I need a night out’ not clear enough? Did you seriously think that I wanted to date you, Frederick?”

“ _Fuck no_! I would never agree to go out with you! I thought you wanted to bang!”

“Well then what the hell was with the dinner you set up?”

“Well, Alana, after working with you for over a year, I realized that you aren’t exactly a meaningless-sex-with-a-co-worker type of girl! So in case I was wrong and you actually wanted a date, I set up a dinner.”

“Why did you not say anything, then?”

“Why didn’t _you_? I was waiting for you to tell me what you wanted but you just went along with it!”

“I was trying to be nice!”

“When are you _ever_ nice, Alana?”

“When are _you_?!”

“For fuck’s sake, Alana, just _take your clothes off already_!”

 

Everything from that moment on passed in a blur. The night had been a complete roller coaster. It irritated Alana that it ended just how it was supposed to end but everything in between had really been a complete waste of time. She barely had had any time to process all the thoughts she had because everything moved so fast from the moment Chilton grabbed her waist with one hand and head with the other, burying his nails into both parts of her body while his lips were on hers.

They undressed themselves on the way to Chilton’s room, leaving the clothes on the floor like a path to the bedroom, where he would push Alana down onto the bed in a frenzy of haste and impatience. Everything was lost in a mess of skin and sweat and the heat of their bodies. The pulse in her neck was pounding so fast, she was worried he would feel the vibrations passing through her body while his tongue was on her.

She explored his body as he did hers, but they did everything so roughly and frantically that Alana felt dizzy soon after it had begun. From how he tasted to how she took him in to all the different ways he positioned himself, she could not think straight.

It was the first time in a long time that she had been with someone in this way and it was the first time that she felt complete apathy towards who was on top of her.

And he did not care for her, either. She could tell by how he hardly kissed her and how he did not care about how rough he was with his hands when he touched her because he placed a lot of importance on his own pleasure. Alana did the same. She left scratches all over him along with teeth marks and she did not listen to him when he told her that she was making him bleed.

After all was done, the two of them laid next to each other on their backs with a foot’s worth of space between them. Chilton stared at the ceiling; his chest was rising and falling rapidly and he tried to get his breathing back to normal. His forehead was glistening with sweat.

Alana watched him. Not due to admiration or anything of sort but from curiosity. Everything was so chaotic before so she didn’t really get to look at Chilton’s body properly, only small details. She was curious of the scar on his shoulder and she was curious of the burn above his left knee and she was curious of the tattoo on his right hipbone. Bodies were as fascinating as minds are and Alana felt like she was not done exploring his. For the night, she was satisfied, but she knew she wanted more.

And that was just a curious thing. Chilton was a blank page. He was what every young man straight out of college wanted to be, but he had always seemed so empty. Seeing scars and marks on his body only showed that he was not cut straight out a business magazine and that he had had experiences that all lead up to him becoming the person that Alana knew. Did he used to be a clumsy child with chubby hands discovering the big, wide world around him? Did used to be a reckless teenager playing with fire in the most inconvenient places to try to impress girls? Did he get into fights he shouldn’t have and was he a sleep-deprived college student who had to rent suits for interviews and was he not able to stop from smiling at the mirror the first time he bought a suit that wasn’t used?

Alana had no feelings for Chilton but she couldn’t help but wonder about all these things. If the situation were different, Alana would call it a professional curiosity, but sleeping with someone and wanting to understand the marks on their naked body did not seem very professional.

There was a curiosity and a desire to have sex, but there was no attraction to Chilton otherwise. There were no obligations and no duties and no need to consider things like compatibility or interests. There wasn't even a need to speak, really.

Chilton turned his head to look at her. "You're good." He said.

Alana smirked. "So are you."

Chilton smiled back at her, then turned to look back at the ceiling. “So was this only a one time thing, Dr. Bloom?” He asked.

“I sure hope not,” Alana replied.

Chilton nodded. “So, same time next week, then?”

Alana agreed and got off the bed and walked to where her bra was thrown. It had all but been ripped off her and got thrown near the side table. She picked it up and put it on, completely aware that Chilton was watching her from the bed until she left the room.

There was no goodbye, just the agreement to repeat the night. She followed the trail of discarded clothing until she reached her dress. She slipped it on and got her purse from the kitchen table, where most of the noodles sat, cold. She could not find her underwear so she just grabbed her shoes and went out to her car.

In the rear view mirror, she saw was she looked like to the world. She tried to smooth down her hair, combing it with her fingers and she removed the smudged mascara from under her eyes with her thumb. It was dark outside and the moon was high and Alana started her car and backed out of the driveway.

She started to feel the burn of the scratches Chilton had left on her stomach and her legs were starting to feel sore. She drove home without turning on the radio. Instead, she sat in complete silence and thought of the events that had taken place that night. Everything had been so unfamiliar but exhilarating at the same time.

And when Alana got home, she looked through patients’ files and took a shower and blow dried her hair and ate a snack and brushed her teeth but she still fell asleep with the taste of Chilton's body fresh on the tip of her tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts.


	5. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana returns to work after her night with Chilton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the chapter. If you want anything to listen to while you read, you should check out this [playlist](http://8tracks.com/letsplaymurder/fallacies/) that the lovely [YouFoundMe](http://archiveofourown.org/users/YouFoundMe/pseuds/YouFoundMe/) ([hannigram-13](http://hannigram-13.tumblr.com/) on tumblr) made for the fic! It's wonderful and I listened to it while I wrote this chapter.

Alana sat, tapping her pen on her desk. She had tried to keep her day as busy as she possibly could, but so far it was not turning out as well as she had hoped. She had just tried to have a session at length with an inmate, but he wasn’t saying much and she had gotten everything she needed in 45 minutes—an entire half hour before she was hoping to be finished. She always gave herself at least 20 minutes between sessions to reflect and make more notes if necessary. But no matter how much she tried to reflect upon the session, there simply was no significant development, so she was stuck doing nothing for 50 minutes. It was just after nine o’clock so it was far too early to go for lunch, so Alana sat in her office, tapping her desk, and scolding herself every time Chilton crossed her mind.

They saw each other in the hallway, as they usually did, and Alana had expected him to do something corny like wink at her, or flash her a cunning smile, but he instead greeted her as he always had, with a simple nod.

They hadn’t discussed anything about how they would act at work, but it had gone without saying that the two of them were both only interested in a strictly physical relationship. Alana didn’t want to let on to anyone in the office that something had happened between the two of them but she thought that Chilton would at least hint at what had happened between them some way or another.

Just then, Chilton’s assistant called Alana’s office line to tell her that Chilton wanted to speak with her within the hour in his office. Alana thanked him and hung up. She put away the files she was looking through and got up to leave the office, but stopped short when she reached the door.

What did Chilton want to speak with her about? She started pacing. She hadn’t been called into his office since she had first started working at the hospital. She’d been in his office enough times to consult on cases and developments, but she couldn’t remember the last time he had her called down to see him.

After a few more minutes of worried pacing, Alana gave herself a metaphorical slap. _You are a grown ass woman_ , she told herself. _Stop acting like you’re still in grade school_. She walked down the hallway to Chilton’s office and knocked.

“Yea?” Called Chilton.

Alana stuck her head into his office. Chilton had his reading glasses on. He was sitting with his feet up on his desk and a large book propped open on his desk. “You asked to see me,” Alana said.

“Ah, yes,” He said without looking at her. “Come in, Dr. Bloom.” He dog-eared his book and put it back into his shelf.

"What is this about, Chilton?” Alana asked, closing the door behind her.

Chilton turned with his mouth open to speak, but paused. He gave her a quizzical look. “You look nervous,” he observed.

“Uh…”

“Why are you still by the door? Come in.”

“Right,” Alana muttered, sitting in the chair across Chilton’s desk.

Chilton, who had not moved from his place by the bookshelf, looked questioningly at her again for a moment before asking her, “Alana, what do you think this is about?”

“I… I don’t know.” Alana answered honestly, “I don’t think you’ve requested to see me since I first started working here.”

Chilton nodded as he walked back over to his desk. “Well, you can relax yourself, darling,” he said, settling down into his chair. “I don’t want to bang right now.”

Alana opened her mouth to protest, but she knew that it wouldn’t make a difference. “I won’t deny that the thought did cross my mind.”

“Please. You were sure that’s what I wanted. You were giving me that same look that you had when you asked to come over.”

His arrogance frustrated Alana, but she tried not to comment on it. “Okay, fine,” she said. “Then why am I here? Are you going to yell at me about something?”

“Oh, I think you did enough screaming the other night to last us both a lifetime,” Chilton said, taking off his glasses, which revealed a small cut underneath his temple.

Alana clenched her teeth. He wasn’t even looking at her when he spoke. He was acting like he wasn’t the one that called her into his office, but rather she was someone he wanted to get rid of. She moved to get up. “Well, then if that’s all—”

“Sit back _down_ , Dr. Bloom.” Chilton said sternly.

Alana resentfully sat down.

“I thought that this would have gone without saying but I guess you are not as intelligent as I had begun to believe you might be,” Chilton said. Alana could hear the agitation in his voice. “What happens between you and I outside of these hospital walls does not reach anyone else’s ears, understood?”

“That would be difficult,” Alana huffed, “seeing how loud you are in bed.”

“ _Understood_?”

“ _Yes._ ”

“I won’t go as far as writing down a list of rules for us, Dr. Bloom, but I think it’s in both our interest to remain discreet, to make sure that no one knows about what goes on between us, and that we treat each other exactly as we always have.”

“To be frank, Dr. Chilton, I thought that was clear as soon as our clothes were off,” replied Alana. “What we’re doing isn’t exactly professional, is it?”

“No, it is not,” he agreed. “So I guess it’s self-evident that I will not be bending you over my desk any time soon.”

“Yea, well, I wasn’t really expecting that to happen anyway, so…”

“Good.”

She was starting to feel uncomfortable with the topic, so to change it she pointed out that he had a cut on his face.

Chilton blinked at her. “I do,” he said, as if she just told him the world was round. “It is the only scratch you gave me that wasn’t hidden by my suit.”

Alana snickered. “Well, at least your wearing a suit isn’t out of the ordinary. People keep asking me why I’m dressed so conservatively today.” Alana gestured to the opaque leggings and scarf she was wearing. “I can’t very well tell them it’s to hide the bruises.”

Chilton smirked. “I see. So…” he said, “Exactly how many bruises, may I ask, are there?”

Alana turned red. “I didn’t count my bruises, Frederick.”

Chilton chuckled and leaned back in his chair. “No problem,” he said. “I’ll count them myself when you come over.”

“Is there anything else?” Asked Alana, refusing to acknowledge his comment.

“Yes,” Chilton said, sitting up straight. “Actually, I did not call you in here to talk about us at all. Are you familiar with Jack Crawford?”

“A bit, yes.” He was a hard man to forget because he carried himself with a great air of authority. “I have met him a few times at the FBI academy.”

Chilton seemed surprised. “The Academy?”

“Yes. I guest lecture there some times.”

“I see,” he said, nodding. “Well, Crawford wants to speak with you. He asked me to relay the message. He said he didn’t have your new contact information since you’ve started at the hospital.”

“Okay, thank you,” said Alana. “Though I don’t understand why he contacted you directly, instead of calling the hospital and asking for me.”

Chilton shrugged. “He had to consult with me about a new inmate and he came to the hospital. He wanted to see you before he left but you weren’t in.” Chilton picked up the first of the many files that sat at the corner of his desk.

“Oh.”

He put his glasses on and started reading the file. “That’ll be all, Dr. Bloom.”

“All right, thank you.”

“Mhm.”

Alana got up and started heading towards the door, but Chilton stopped her just before she left.

“Alana.”

“Yes?”

Chilton was looking at her without a look of superiority for the first time. “I can count on your to not act awkward in front of others, right?”

Alana was tempted to make a snarky comment but resisted. She nodded and left the office.

 

Later on that week, Alana drove to the FBI Academy to meet with Jack Crawford. They had spoken briefly and he said he had a task for her at the school, so she assumed that he wanted her to give a lecture on Behavioural Sciences, but had a few points that he wanted to discuss beforehand.

When Alana reached the room where she was supposed to meet with Jack, the door opened and Jack emerged. He was with a dark haired man who had his eyes on the ground.

“Dr. Bloom,” said Jack when he saw her, extending a hand. “Nice to see you again.”

“Hello, Jack,” Alana said.

“This is Will Graham. He is a professor here.”

“Oh.” Alana smiled at him. “Nice to meet you, Professor.”

He nodded. “You too, Dr. Bloom.”

“I’ve heard quite a bit about you at the hospital.”

Will huffed. “The hospital,” he muttered under his breath.

“I mean, we speak about different patterns of thought and you come up sometimes.” Alana explained quickly, sensing that he took offense to her comment.

“Yes, in the same conversation as the criminally insane.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” Alana said, “but I assure you that we do not associate you with any of the inmates.”

“Good to know. I would love to discuss my mental faculties with you but I have a lecture to give,” Will said, starting to walk away, “on the criminally insane.” He added.

Alana shot a questioning glance at Jack, who shook his head and gestured to the room. The two of them sat at the large conference table that could hold fourteen.

“I’m sorry about that,” Jack said, “but I thought it important for you to meet Will because he is actually the reason why I called you here.”

“Oh?”

“I was hoping to have you observe him. Sit in on a few of his lectures and things of that nature,” explained Jack. “I was told he was unable to finish his FBI training, which is really a shame because he is very intelligent and could be extremely valuable as an agent.”

“But if he was unable to complete his training, shouldn’t you just let him do his own thing?”

“The academy thought that he was too unstable, but I would like a second opinion.”

“An opinion that isn’t coming from professionals that train people to become agents?”

“Yes.”

“But Jack,” Alana protested, “if anyone says someone isn’t ready to be in the field, isn’t it the academy? I’m not even FBI.”

“Yes, but you work in a hospital for the criminally insane,” Jack said. “And if you can understand people like those, I’m sure you can understand Will Graham.”

“So you want me to observe Will Graham for you so you can do what?”

“Decide if I can recruit him. As a special agent,” Jack explained. “I need to see if he is truly unstable.”

Alana pondered this for a moment, and then asked, “What is so special about him, anyway? I’ve only heard about his being unstable at the hospital.”

Jack smiled. “If you agree to take this on, you’ll see.”

“I’d like to think it over, Jack.”

“Why don’t you think it over after you sit in on the rest of his lecture,” suggested Jack.

Alana agreed. “That sounds fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooOOoOoooOOOooOO where am I going with this, who knows who knows


	6. Social Interactions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana answers Jack and goes out to dinner with Beverly

Alana made up her mind minutes into observing Will Graham’s lecture. He definitely wasn’t a social person so she was a bit surprised that he was teaching—a profession that could involve a lot of social interaction at times. This just made him more of a puzzle. She called Jack the next day from the hospital. She had wanted to think over the offer so she could make sure she was up to the challenge, and Will Graham did seem like a challenge, especially if he stayed as reserved as he was at their first meeting.

Her workday was over and she was packing up her things. Beverly had called her the night before to complain that they hadn’t seen each other in over a week and she and Alana both agreed that that needed to change so the two of them made plans to go to dinner after work. They were to meet at the restaurant at 6:45, which gave Alana enough time to get home and change into something less formal.

She saw when she was walking down the hallway that Chilton was already waiting for the elevator. She stifled a groan as she came up next to him.

“Dr. Bloom,” he greeted.

“Dr. Chilton.”

When inside the elevator, Chilton said, “Are you busy tonight?”

“I am, actually,” Alana replied. “I’m going out to dinner with a friend.”

“Is it important?” Asked Chilton.

“It can’t be cancelled,” Alana said.

“I think it can.”

“It can’t,” Alana repeated, more sternly than the first time.

“That’s too bad,” he said, even though he didn’t seem fazed by her refusal.

“Don’t we have that plan already set for the day after tomorrow?”

“We do.”

“Well there you go,” said Alana. “I’m busy tonight.”

“When is this dinner of yours?” Asked Chilton.

“6:45.”

Chilton smirked. “So come over at 8:00?”

Alana clenched her fists. He was so irritating and smug that it made her sick. She wanted to just leave him hanging more than anything, but she found herself saying, “Make it nine.”

Chilton smiled.

 

Alana was still aggravated by the time she got home and she didn’t want to show it when she met Beverly for dinner, so she tried to take Chilton off her mind. She did so by focusing on the latest person that caught her attention: Will Graham.

He had definitely seen her when she walked into his lecture. It made him falter for a few seconds, but he was able to pick back up as soon as she entered an aisle to get to an open seat. He did not speak to her after his lecture, and Alana wasn’t so sure she wanted to speak with him just then, but she could tell that she was drawn to him, no matter how awkward and rude he came across as at their first meeting.

She quickly understood why Jack thought Will was so special. She understood why he was a topic of discussion. The way he spoke about the serial killers in his lecture was unlike anything she had seen. She somehow was able to get inside the heads of these killers and figure out not just why they did what they did, but also exactly what they were thinking when they did it.

Now she understood why he was a common subject in the break rooms of a hospital for the criminally insane.

Even if she got an answer for Jack within days, Alana wanted to keep observing him. He was interesting and she was curious. She had even spoken to Chilton earlier that day about it. She talked to him in the break room so that the topic would stay professional and not veer into the other, rather inappropriate, subject.

She let him know that she would be cutting a day out of her schedule at work for the foreseeable future and Chilton was irritated. He said that there was already a lack of psychiatrists at the hospital, but he ultimately agreed to let her have a day off each week on the condition that he chose the day she could take off. Since Will didn’t lecture every day of the week, Chilton only had a limited range of options to choose from and Alana agreed to his condition.

Now calmed, Alana changed from her skirt into jeans, put on some jewellery, and left for the restaurant to meet Beverly.

 

“So what’s been going on at work, Al?” Asked Beverly.

Alana shrugged. “Nothing new at the hospital,” she said. The two of them were quite far into their dinner date. “But I’m taking on a private job for Jack Crawford,” added Alana.

Beverly raised her eyebrows. “Wow, really?” she said. “That’s so random. Have you even met him before?”

Alana gave her a hurt look. “Bev!” she said, “we _met_ through Jack! You were with him once when I was at the FBI Academy.”

Beverly looked confused for a moment, and then buried her face in her hands, embarrassed. “Oh my god, we did,” she muttered through her palms. “I’m so dumb.”

Alana laughed. “Don’t worry about it!” They were introduced through Jack, but their friendship had started when the two of them ran into each other at a café and decided to sit together.

“Okay, okay,” said Beverly, still looking a bit ashamed of herself. “Tell me about this job.”

“I don’t really know if I can tell you much because Jack hasn’t really informed me of what I can and can’t tell people.”

“Fine,” Beverly said. “So then tell me about Chilton.”

Alana was able to catch herself before her face expressed complete terror. “What?” She asked, panicked.

“Well, I brought up work and you didn’t go on a Chilton rant,” Beverly explained. “I think that’s the first time that has ever happened since you started working at the hospital.”

“I thought my rants annoyed you!”

“They did,” said Beverly. “But to be honest, I kind of miss them now that I haven’t heard one in awhile.”

Alana snickered. “Oh, do you, now?”

“Please don’t make me regret telling you that.”

“I won’t…for now.”

Beverly wrinkled her nose at Alana. Alana smiled. “But really,” said Beverly. “Has he not been around?”

“Oh, no, he has,” said Alana. “And he’s as annoying as ever.”

“Then why exactly do you seem so mellow?”

Alana was desperate for the subject to change. She could not talk to Beverly about Chilton without her sensing that there was some sort of development between the two of them. It was hard to lie to Beverly, partly because she didn’t like to do so, partly because if she lied, she would have to keep track of all the stories that spun from it, and partly because Beverly would know that Alana was hiding something. So instead, Alana said something that she knew would distract Beverly, but wasn’t a lie. “I just did what you told me to,” Alana said, sipping her drink.

Beverly looked at Alana questioningly. “What exactly did I tell you to do?” She asked.

“You really do have a terrible memory, Bev,” Alana stated. “What have you been trying to get me to do for the past two weeks?”

“Oh. Oh!” Beverly exclaimed. “You got laid!”

“Beverly, quiet down holy shit!”

“Sorry! Sorry!” Beverly said, lowering her voice. She was clearly excited. “But I was right, then wasn’t I? Chilton isn’t bothering you anymore!”

“Oh he’s still bothering me.”

“Evidently not as much! So how was the night?”

Alana paused. “It was…good.”

“Seriously? That’s all you’re going to give me?”

Alana smiled. “Okay, fine,” She said. She turned her back towards the outside of the booth so other people at the restaurant wouldn’t see her lifting her shirt to reveal fading bruises.

“Oh my god,” said Beverly. “You dirty girl!”

Alana laughed. “They were everywhere, Bev!”

“So the night wasn’t just ‘good,’” said Beverly.

“It was…exactly what I needed.”

“I’m glad. Too bad it won’t be repeated.”

Alana made a guilty face automatically and Beverly noticed, even though the face lasted only a second.

“Alana, no!” She said, looking disappointed. “Did you start dating your one-night stand?!”

“No!”

“That is the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to do!”

“I didn’t start dating him! I just…have his number.”

“You can’t date him.”

“Oh trust me, Beverly, I don’t plan to,” Alana assured her. “But we both wanted to keep having sex.”

Beverly raised her eyebrows. “Damn, Alana,” she said. “Can’t say I was expecting that.”

Alana shrugged. “I don’t even know if it’ll last, though,” she said. “That first night might have been a fluke. We both were really worked up and both had steam to blow off.”

This raised some questions for Beverly. “Wait, so, how exactly did you meet this guy?” she asked.

“You know, I would love to tell you the whole story, Beverly,” Alana said, “But I actually have to go.” This was both the truth and an attempt to avoid the subject.

“What? Where are you going?” Asked Beverly.

“I actually have an evening appointment,” said Alana.

“It’s like 8:30!”

“I know. Chilton sprung it on me just before I left work.”

Beverly rolled her eyes. “Figures,” she said bitterly. “What a dick.”

“I know,” agreed Alana. “The absolute biggest, but he’s impossible to argue with.”

“Yea, I guess.”

Alana and Beverly finished up their dinner and parted ways. Alana drove straight over to Chilton’s house without going home. She wanted to make it a point that their plans were only secondary.

Chilton opened the door in a black t-shirt and loosely fitted jeans. When he saw her, he gave her a smug smile and leaned against the doorframe. “Wow, Miss Bloom,” he mocked, “You do know that you don’t have to dress up for me, right?”

“Shut the fuck up,” said Alana, pushing past him into the house.

 


	7. Dessert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana and Chilton have their second go round.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping this chapter flows well. It's on the shorter side. In case you guys want to see what Chilton's aforementioned hip tattoo looks like, I have put a drawing of it in the end notes.

Alana could hear Chilton chuckling under his breath as he closed the door and it made her angry. But then again, pretty much everything he did annoyed her, more than she would like it to. It would be much easier for her to just feel indifferent towards him. Then again, she doubted that she would be in his house if she didn’t hate him as much as she did.

She turned to him. He hadn’t moved from by the door. “What are you waiting for?”

Somehow, Chilton managed to look even smugger than he already had. He gestured towards the bedroom. “After you.”

Alana gave him an angry look, but obliged. She walked to his bedroom, taking her shirt off she entered. When she turned around, Chilton was just strolling into the room, still completely dressed.

 _Are you fucking kidding me_? Thought Alana, growing more and more agitated. “You do realize that I had to cut my dinner short for this, right?”

“You didn’t have to accept my offer, you know,” Chilton responded, approaching her with his hands in his pocket.

“Oh please,” scoffed Alana, “You practically begged me to come over.”

“Yea, and you’re practically begging for it now,” retorted Chilton.

Alana gave him a disgusted look before pushing him down on his bed.

Chilton had a look of pleasant surprise on his face, but he was still looking smug as ever. She climbed on top of him so that he was between her legs. “You are the most irritating person I’ve ever met,” said Alana.

Chilton smirked. “Good to know.”

The two of them were not as rough as the first time. That is not to say they weren’t enthusiastic. Everything was still fast and loud but it was less frantic, less panicked. This time, Alana felt grounded instead of dizzy. She noticed the shapes of his body: the bones, the bends, the curves, the hollows. She could associate sight with touch and taste. She paid attention to what he liked more. He did the same.

She dragged her tongue over his tattoo. She did this simply out of curiosity but it felt personal. She ran her bottom lip back down and she traced the letters with her fingers. He watched her intently, and she could tell from the look he had that the tattoo meant something significant.

Chilton kissed her bruises and he counted them under his breath. “Six… Seven… Eight…” Alana could hardly take the tingling feeling of his breath on her body as he sighed each number onto her skin. Every time she felt his breath, her own breathing faltered.

But despite these unexpected tender moments, their fingers still knotted in each other’s hair and they still pushed each other into doing what they wanted and they still bit and scratched and grabbed and pulled at what they wanted until the both of them finished on their backs, gasping for air.

After lying next to Chilton in silence until she caught her breath, Alana turned to him. “Do you have ice cream?” she asked.

Chilton looked at her, surprised. “Why?” He asked

“I didn’t have enough time for dessert,” Alana explained.

“But why should I give you dessert?”

“Because the reason I didn’t get to have dessert was because I had to get here. Therefore, you owe me something sweet.”

“Oh…” Chilton turned towards her. “Anything sweet?” He said suggestively.

Alana put her hand on his face and pushed it away from her. “Anything _dessert_ ,” said Alana.

Chilton pushed her hand away from his face. “Don’t do that,” he said, getting up and putting on a pair of pyjama bottoms.  Alana moved to grab her own shirt but Chilton threw a t-shirt at her before she could put it on.

“That is easier to put on than that ridiculous blouse,” he said.

Alana put the shirt on and followed Chilton towards the kitchen. She was glad that he had realized that her wearing his already- worn shirt would have felt too intimate so he had given her a clean shirt from his dresser.

He directed her towards the freezer. “I have some ice cream in there.”

Alana dug through the freezer and pulled out a tub of vanilla ice cream and sat at the counter while Chilton stood at a distance, leaning against the wall.

“The amount of frozen dinners you have is depressing,” Alana remarked as she ate the ice cream straight out of the tub.

“I can’t cook,” said Chilton. “So sue me.”

“So you just never eat home cooked meals?”

Chilton smirked. “Why?” he asked, “Are you offering?”

“Please,” scoffed Alana. “You seriously think I would cook for you?”

“Hey, you’d be surprised what girls do out of pity.”

Alana tried her best to suppress the bellowing laugh she wanted to let out and was successful in turning it into a quiet cackle. “Oh, so I should pity you?” She asked. _Oh Chilton…_

“No,” said Chilton, looking slightly irritated. “In fact, I must insist that you do not.”

“Then why did you even mention it?”

“Because I’ve noticed over the years that women tend to get over-emotional,” said Chilton. “They aren’t used to guys opening up, so if I say something even slightly resembling something personal, they are impressed.”

Alana rolled her eyes. “Yea, okay,” she said passively.

“It’s true.”

“Mmmm…” Alana took a large spoonful of ice cream into her mouth and smiled. Chilton just seemed to get more and more annoyed with her, which only furthered Alana’s amusement.

After a few minutes of watching Alana eat ice cream in silence while he stood nearby, Chilton finally spoke. “How is it?” He asked.

Alana shrugged. “It’s good. Not as good as what I could have gotten at the restaurant, but good nonetheless.”

“Are you ever going to get over that?” muttered Chilton.

Alana shook her head. “Nope,” she said. Then as an afterthought, “Too bad you don’t have any homemade cookies.”

“If I don’t cook, what would make you think I bake?”

“Don’t you have some woman to bake for you?”

“No,” snarled Chilton.

“Maybe you should get one, then,” said Alana, taunting. “You sure seem like you need a woman around.”

“Why would I need a woman around?”

“Well, she could help you redecorate, for one.”

Chilton frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on,” said Alana. “You know.”

“No. Can’t say that I do.”

“I mean…” Alana was suddenly unsure if saying anything had been a good move. “Your house.”

“What about it?” Chilton snapped.

“It’s very…white. And it…feels cold,” Alana answered, uncertain of what would offend him. “There isn’t much personality.”

“Just because something isn’t suited to your taste doesn’t mean it isn’t any good.”

“Well, that’s not really what I was trying to—”

“I like white,” he stated. “And I like openness. I like things to be bright and big and that’s a part of my personality.”

“Openness. Okay,” said Alana, nodding. “And…brightness?”

“Yes.”

“So then…what are you doing working at the hospital?” Asked Alana. “It’s not exactly bright and open. Actually, it’s pretty much the opposite of your house.”

“Stop trying to be my psychiatrist,” said Chilton firmly.

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. I don’t like it.”

“No,” repeated Alana. “See, if I was treating you as a patient,” she added, teasing. “I would have already decided that you have some sort of tragic or traumatic memory that caused you to become attracted to this sort of atmosphere. Do you?”

Alana smiled and put her chin in her hand, leaning towards Chilton’s direction over the counter. She had just wanted to lighten the mood by going overboard with the psychiatrist bit, but when she saw how Chilton was reacting—stiff jaw, clenched fists—she quickly realized she had made a mistake. She leaned back. “Oh.” She whispered.

“Are you done shoving your face with dessert now?” Chilton snarled.

“Yes, I am,” said Alana, getting up and walking around the counter. She wondered how harshly Chilton would tell her to leave his house. “Listen, I am so sorry I said what I did. I was just kidding around,” she explained, “I didn’t mean to bring up any—”

Chilton quickly closed the distance between the two of them and kissed her roughly. He tore Alana from the shirt she was wearing and grabbed her waist, shoving her back against the counter so that the edge jabbed into her spine, causing her to gasp in pain. Alana pushed down his pants while he bit into her neck. She moaned.

“I didn’t mean to bring up any bad memories, Frederick. I just—”

“ _Shut the fuck up._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Good as Any"  
> I think I may have made it a bit too flourish-y. I might redo it.
> 
>  


	8. What Did You Do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana has an interesting day at the FBI Academy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so two things:
> 
> 1\. I decided to redo the tattoo because the other one was way too girly. It's in the end notes of this chapter. But, of course, this is just a suggestion. You guys can imagine it however you like
> 
> 2\. Writing Will was ridiculously hard. I couldn't get his personality right and so he seems very out of character to me. Hopefully, I can get by with it anyway and you guys don't hate it TOO much.

Alana and Chilton didn’t speak of their conversation again. After their second round of sex, Alana left him without a proper goodbye, and everything was back to normal at work the next day.

The two of them continued to see each other regularly. Alana would go over to Chilton’s house at least once a week, sometimes more. And though they would avoid personal topics and things like backstories, Alana found herself enjoying the visits more and more because she was learning that Chilton could actually be pleasant at times. It took awhile, but slowly both of them grew aware of the other’s personality and neither of them would get quite as angry about passive aggressive comments and snarky retorts. When Alana got past all the things that irritated her, she found that, though Chilton was still rude, arrogant, and immoral at times, the fact that the two of them were no longer fighting all the time made him seem much more tolerable.

It had been three weeks since they first started sleeping together.

 

“Great lecture, professor,” said the tall blonde who sits in the front row. Alana smiled to herself. She knew by now that Will had absolutely no desire to actually speak to any of the students in his class. Especially not to girls who thought he was cute.

Will gave the student a small smile and a nod as she left the room. He had just finished his lecture about crimes of passion, which Alana had observed. She headed towards the front of the hall as the class left and smiled at Will. “Wow, Professor Graham, that lecture was a amazing!” She said, mocking the student.

Will chuckled. “Are you suggesting that my lecture wasn’t a good one?”

“Oh no, your lecture was great. But that’s not why the girl said what she did.”

Will looked down. “Alana, I suggest you give these women a bit more credit than that.”

Alana laughed, which made Will smile along. “You act modest, but I bet you like the attention,” she teased. She knew this wasn’t the case, and that Will was very introverted, but she enjoyed poking fun at him.

“Why?” he asked. “Are you jealous?”

“Absolutely,” said Alana, and with that, she left the room. She always made an effort not to be in a room alone with Will, and the lecture hall had almost been completely cleared.

She and Will had gotten off to a bit of a rocky start, but they were becoming friendlier with each other. Will had accepted Alana’s observing him and he didn’t seem to mind her as a person, even though he seemed to mind most people.

As she was walking down the hallway, Alana heard someone call her name. She turned to see Jack coming towards her.

“I was hoping I might run into you,” he said.

“Is there something you need, Jack?”

“Yes, actually,” he replied, guiding her towards an empty bench. “I was wondering if you have reached an opinion on Will Graham. Is he stable enough to go into the field?”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I know this is not what you want to hear, Jack, but I really don’t think Will would be able to handle field work.”

Jack bowed his head in disappointment. “He has a fantastic mind,” he said.

“I know he does,” agreed Alana. “And he would really be very helpful in the field. I can see why you’re so interested.”

“Well then what’s the problem?” Asked Jack.

“The problem is Will himself,” explained Alana. “He sometimes has discomfort when he lecturing about these killers, the very brutal ones. It scares him. And if he has this issue while analyzing killers on paper, then examining crime scenes could potentially be dangerous for his mind.”

“So he’s unstable,” muttered Jack.

Alana sighed. “Well, in short,” she said, “yes.”

Jack nodded, looking like he was in deep thought.

“I’m sorry, Jack,” said Alana. “I know this was not what you were hoping for.”

“That’s alright,” he said. “Maybe I’ll check up on him again in a few month, and he’ll be ready by then. I don’t plan on giving up on him. You said so yourself that you realize how helpful he would be in the field.”

“I did.”

“Well, when I want to revisit the idea of recruiting Will, I’ll make sure to give you a call,” said Jack as he started to get up to leave. “Thank you for your work.”

“Actually, Jack,” said Alana, stopping him. “I think I’ll be sticking around. I want to keep observing Will.”

Jack looked questioningly at her. “Why is that?” he asked.

Alana shrugged. “I’m curious.”

 

Later that same day, Alana gave a lecture. She had been asked to guest lecture when the dean of the FBI Academy noticed her hanging around the school and learned that she was temporarily working for Jack Crawford. Alana had always had an interest in criminal behaviour, and she caught the Academy’s attention when her papers on killers like Abel Gideon were beginning to be published in magazines.

When she checked her phone after she had finished her lecture on common patterns of thought of the criminally insane, she saw that Chilton had called her three different times. After the lecture hall was emptied, Alana called Chilton back. She knew it wasn’t a booty call because he always texted her when he wanted that. Plus, it was the middle of the afternoon and he never brings up the subject at this time, except for when the two of them were alone together, which in itself happened rarely. This call was definitely work-related.

“Why the hell haven’t you been answering my calls?” Chilton asked as soon as he picked up.

“I was giving a lecture, Chilton,” she explained. “I can’t really answer my cellphone in front of a class.”

“Since when do you give lectures?”

“The dean asked me to give one. I thought that since I had this day off to observe Will, I would accept the offer.”

“Oh, okay, so was it a one time thing?”

“Yes.”

“Then would you mind telling me why in the _hell_ you’ve booked two extra days off work every week for the next month?” His voice was starting to rise.

“I took those days because I will be at the Academy twice a week, instead of just once.”

“What? Why!?”

“Same thing as before, Chilton.”

“I thought you said that you were only going to be doing this for a few weeks!”

“I was. But now I’m doing this on my own, not for the FBI.”

“Are you kidding me? Alana, we already have a shortage of psychiatrists at the hospital and you want to start taking even more days off for the sake of some goddamn experiment?!”

“It’s not an experiment, Chilton.” Alana was getting more and more frustrated the longer he yelled at her, and though she wanted to yell right back at him, she knew she had to stay calm because that was the only way the issue could be resolved. Plus, she didn’t want students to think they were being given lectures from someone with temper problems.

“I don’t give a shit what it is!” Chilton cried. “Do you even care about the patients here, Alana?”

“Of course I do, that’s why I work there. I’m still going to be seeing patients, Chilton, just not as much!”

“Yea, I’m sure you care a lot!”

“Listen, every psychiatrist at the hospital chooses their own hours and I have chosen mine. You can yell at me all you want, but I’m still going to be taking those two extra days off.” Alana had to say this through gritted teeth.

“Then I hope you have fun with your guinea pig,” snarled Chilton.

“And I hope you have fun doing whatever you do when you aren’t being a selfish prick.” Annoyed, Alana hung up and put her phone in her purse and grabbed her belongings to leave, but when she turned around, she saw someone had come into the room and was standing only five feet away. She gasped and dropped her things.

“Sorry!” Said Will, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine. I just didn’t hear you come in,” said Alana, picking up her belongings and trying to wipe the look of frustration from her face. “What are you doing here?”

“I have a lecture in about ten minutes,” explained Will. “I usually come into the hall beforehand.”

“Oh, okay.” Alana started walking past Will and towards the door. “Good luck on your lecture, then, Will.”

“Hold on.”

Alana turned. “Yes?”

“Sorry, but I overheard your conversation.”

“Oh.”

“Yea. Who were you talking to?”

“Oh, that’s just the administrator of the hospital.” She was embarrassed that Will heard her call Chilton a prick, but was glad that he didn’t mention it.

Will nodded thoughtfully. “So…” he said, “What did you do to him?”

Alana stared at Will, bewildered. “What?”

“I mean he seems very mad at you.”

“I thought you overheard the conversation.”

“Oh, I did. Including his side. He was very loud.”

“Yea. Yea, he was.”

“He seemed to have some sort of grudge against you.”

Alana shifted from one foot to the other. “Will,” she said, “I don’t think this is appropriate.”

“Why not?” Asked Will. “This is a work related conflict that I have directly caused. And the reason you observe me is because I read people, which is what I’m doing right now.”

“The word ‘observe’ makes you sound like an experiment, Will, which you are not,” said Alana. “I am simply…curious.”

Will looked past her shoulder at the door. Students were beginning to come in to the hall. “Either way, you have either wronged him unintentionally,” said Will as he set his bag down on the desk, “or you haven’t wronged him at all but he is under the impression that you have.”

Alana frowned. What could she have done to Chilton? It could not have been recent. The only fights they ever really had that were the one in the elevator before they started sleeping together, and the one they had on the first night they spent together. Anything else was more work-related disagreements than fights.

Will cleared his throat, causing Alana to snap out of her thoughts. “Uh, would you excuse me, please?” he said.

Alana looked around and saw that half the lecture hall had become full of students. “Oh,” she said, embarrassed. “Of course. Goodbye, Will.”

“Bye, Alana.”

On the drive home, Alana thought about Chilton, and what Will said about him. She could not think of a single thing that she had done that may have upset him enough to make him hate her. She was tempted to just disregard what Will had noted because it made absolutely no sense. She had never been a bad person towards Chilton. Quite the reverse, actually, because if anyone should be holding a grudge, it should be her.

Chilton was unpleasant. He was arrogant. And he loved putting her down almost as much as he loved himself. Somehow, she had forgotten that during the past three weeks when there had been no actual conflict between the two of them. It was easy to forget his spitefulness when he was naked, but the phone call just reminded her why she never had liked him in the first place, why she knew that she could never be with him, why she wanted to have sex with him in the first place. Because she needed someone she could never be with to help her let out her frustrations.

Of course, now she had been given a clear reminder that he was nasty and rude and vindictive, and that nothing was any different about him. Sex wasn’t about to change him and she was no longer sure she wanted it with him anymore.

By the time she arrived at her house, Alana was fuming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look how manly this is  
> 


	9. Angry

When Alana walked into the Baltimore State Hospital for her next day of work, she was in the worst mood she had been in awhile. After the phone call with Chilton, she found herself remembering every single time he had been rude to her over the last year and she found herself getting more and more angry with herself for letting their new situation change how she perceived him. He was still the same as he always had been and the conversation had made that clear.

When she arrived at the elevators, Chilton came up behind her. “Morning, Dr. Bloom,” he said.

“Dr. Chilton,” muttered Alana. For three weeks, Alana did not mind seeing Chilton in the elevators or in the hallways, but now she got a gnawing feeling in her stomach that she labeled disgust: toward him and towards herself for thinking he wasn’t so bad. When they entered the elevator, Alana stood stiffly and didn’t look at Chilton.

“What’s the matter with you today?” Asked Chilton after a moment of awkward silence.

“Nothing,” muttered Alana.

“That is clearly a lie,” he said. “Are you annoyed with me or something?”

“What, is that new?” Alana said, more harshly than she meant to.

Chilton turned to her. “Is this about our last conversation?” He asked.

Alana turned her head away from him, worried that she was turning red.

Chilton mistook this for anger. “Are you kidding me?” He said. “You are ridiculous. What on earth are you mad about?”

“Because you were being—”

“A selfish prick?” Chilton said, cutting her off. “Yea, I’ve heard.”

 _Not exactly_ , Alana thought. The elevator door opened and Alana got off to go to into her office, but Chilton followed her in. “Wait a second,” he said, closing the door behind him. “You’re actually angry about the conversation?”

“It wasn’t really a conversation, Frederick,” said Alana without looking at him.

“It wasn’t personal, Alana,” he said. “I would have reacted the same way to anyone taking more days off than they should.”

 _I know you would have_ , thought Alana. “Whatever, Chilton,” she muttered.

Something changed about Chilton’s expression. He went from being baffled about her anger to realizing something. He straightened his posture. Before he was leaning forward, trying to talk sense into her about the conversation. “This is about something else, isn’t it?” He asked.

Alana sat down at her desk, hoping she didn’t look panicked. “Goodbye, Chilton,” she said.

“You do realize that for this to be resolved, you’re going to have to actually tell me what’s going on, right?”

“ _Goodbye_ , Chilton,” repeated Alana.

Chilton smiled from pure bewilderment. “Wow, okay,” he said, turning to leave the office. “I’ll see you around, then.”

Alana buried her face in her hands as soon as he left the room. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck._ She barely knew what was happening, but the gnawing feeling in her stomach just kept getting worse and worse.

Yes, she was mad at Chilton. But she was not mad about his yelling at her. That was not something new. She was mad about how she thought he was a nice guy, how she thought that maybe he wasn’t the cold asshole she always thought he was. But most of all, she was mad that he thought she had wronged him somehow.

What Will told her did not seem to be leaving her mind, and she was afraid that he might have been right. Chilton did seem to have something against her from day one, but he only got worse after she had been working at the hospital for a few weeks. But what did she do? She could not remember a single noteworthy conflict the two of them had had and she could not figure out why, if she had accidentally hurt Chilton in any way, he didn’t say anything about it to her. It made no sense.

 _Maybe this was a mistake_ , she thought.

But now her situation would be much worse. She and Chilton always acted normally when they saw each other at the hospital but if she broke this off, who knows how it would be between them?

_I should have just gone to a bar._

 

For the next two weeks at work, Alana avoided Chilton at all costs. It wasn’t too hard to do. Normally, she only took one day off a week for herself, but since she dropped two workdays to observe Will, she was only coming in to the hospital four days a week.

And Chilton, naturally, played along. He didn’t try to confront her about what she was doing. He was under the impression that Alana was angry with him for something he had done. It was a relief to Alana that he was letting her do what she wanted and that he wasn’t pestering her about having sex. He wasn’t trying to get her to talk to him.

This was probably the best or worst thing he could have done, because it made Alana appreciate him much more. Five weeks ago, he would have confronted her about her actions towards him. In fact, five weeks ago, he _did_ confront her about her actions towards him. Maybe now he was beginning to understand her better.

 _Or maybe he just doesn’t care about what I think anymore since he already nailed me repeatedly_. The possibility made Alana sick.

 

“I don’t know, he just irritates me more than anyone,” said Alana about Chilton.

“Mhm,” replied Beverly half-heartedly. She had invited Alana over to her apartment for a night in. The two of them had been seeing more of each other since Alana had stopped seeing Chilton. Beverly was under the impression that Alana had started working less and so was more available than before.

“He just thinks he’s the absolute best at everything. You should see how he looks and walks around, like he owns the place, ugh.”

Beverly nodded. Alana knew that Beverly wasn’t very happy with the topic of conversation, but she couldn’t seem to stop talking about Chilton.

Alana ranted about the way he walked, the way he talked, the way he looked at her, the way he treated her, the way he talked to, looked at, and treated other employees, the way he behaved towards visitors, the way he treated the inmates. She talked about him until she had to start nitpicking every little thing he did until Beverly finally cut her off.

“Alana, what has gotten into you?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“What is with all the Chilton bashing?”

Alana was surprised. “I thought you didn’t mind, Bev.”                             

“I don’t,” said Beverly. “At least, I don’t usually. But I kind of wanted to have some fun tonight. You know, hang out, watch a goofy movie, pig out on junk food.”

“Oh,” said Alana, feeling selfish. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Beverly, “but…”

“Yes?”

“I’m kind of worried, Alana,” said Beverly. “Did something happen between you and Chilton that you haven’t told me about?”

Alana’s face reddened and a knot appeared in her stomach.

“What happened?” asked Beverly, looking slightly panicked at Alana’s reaction. “Did he do something to you?”

“No!”

“Then what’s going on!? First, you complain about him for a year, then out of nowhere, you stop mentioning him for like a month, and then you start bitching about him for two weeks straight.”

Alana sunk back into her place on the couch. “Wow, Bev,” she muttered, “I didn’t know you were so angry about this.”

“I’m not angry, Alana. I’m annoyed. And frustrated.”

Alana looked down and didn’t comment.

“What is going on, Alana?” Beverly repeated.

“Nothing…” murmured Alana. “Anymore.”

“Anymore? What does that mean?”

And so Alana told her. She told Beverly that Chilton was the one she hooked up with, and that the two of them had been sleeping together for over a month before having an argument two weeks prior. Beverly looked absolutely appalled by this information. “Why on earth would you do this, Alana?” she asked quietly. “You’ve never liked him. Why would you sleep with him?”

“You told me to sleep with someone I couldn’t see myself with,” explained Alana.

“I didn’t think you would choose a co-worker, let alone your boss!” Beverly snapped suddenly, making Alana jump. “Congrats, Alana, you are now a cliché.”

“Why are you so mad?”

“I am not mad! I just think it’s _absolutely insane_ that you decided to let Chilton put his dick in you! It’s not like he needed another reason to look down on you!”

“Oh, so sleeping with a man means I’m less respectable as a person?” Alana found herself getting just as angry at Beverly as Beverly was at her.

“I don’t think so,” said Beverly, “but Chilton seems like he would!”

“Frederick isn’t like that,” said Alana.

“‘Frederick?’ Since when do you call him Frederick?!”

“What is your problem, Bev?”

“I know you, Alana!” Beverly yelled. “Casual sex is _not_ your thing!”

“It was your idea for me to get laid, _remember_?” Alana yelled back, getting up from the couch.

Beverly stood up as well. “A one-night thing is not the same thing as having casual sex with someone you see every single fucking day!”

“And why is that?”

“Because you get attached!” Beverly cried. “Alana, I think you’re falling for Chilton!”

“Bev, you only found out about us like two minutes ago.”

“No, I found out the specifics.”

“What?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t say anything,” muttered Beverly.

“Oh, and since when has that stopped you?” Alana spat.

“Fine! I thought it would pass so I didn’t mention it, but I’ve noticed for a while that your attitude towards Chilton had changed! You talk about him like a friend sometimes and other times like he’s your fucking boyfriend, the way you defend him to me!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yea fucking right,” snapped Beverly.

“What do you even have against him, anyway?”

“Everything!”

“Bever—”

“No, listen to me!” yelled Beverly. “I have heard you speak about him for over a year about everything he did and he was _toxic_ to you! He is the exact same person now as before, Alana. He is the same condescending, manipulative bastard you’ve always hated.”

The knot in Alana’s stomach grew. She knew that he was the same as he had always been, that’s what she had established herself. But it felt like Beverly was convinced that Alana was just as bad for sleeping with him. “I don’t like him, Beverly,” she said firmly.

“Keep telling yourself that,” scoffed Beverly.

Alana crossed her arms. “I don’t have to.”

Beverly shook her head. “I have to tell you, Alana, I never thought I would see this day.”

“The day that I would be sleeping with Chilton?” Alana asked.

“The day that you would disappoint me.”

Alana’s arms dropped to her sides and she was momentarily dumbfounded. What Beverly just said was the equivalent to a spit in the face. “Go to hell, Beverly,” said Alana through gritted teeth. With that, she grabbed her things and walked towards the door of the apartment.

“You aren’t as smart or as emotionally stable as you think you are, honey!” Beverly called after her.

“Fuck you!” Alana yelled back as she slammed the door. She didn’t slow down as she walked down the hall, down the stairs, and out the door to her car in the parking lot. She climbed in and drove off, her hands tight around the steering wheel.

It was past midnight but there was no way Alana would be getting to sleep with all the anger and resentment she was feeling. She didn’t have work the next day, which is why she was over at Beverly’s in the first place.

Where did she get off? She barely even knew what was happening between the two of them, and it wasn’t like Beverly to be so judgemental. Alana knew Chilton better than Beverly did, and Beverly only knew the bad parts that Alana had told her about.

Admittedly, Alana knew mostly the bad parts when she first asked Chilton for a hook up, but that was a spontaneous act that she did without thinking. And yes, maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing for her to do, but it had been working out perfectly well up until this point.

Alana groaned. Maybe she shouldn’t have cut Chilton off like she had. They had been fine, and if she had thought it was worth it to look past his flaws to sleep with him the first time, why shouldn’t she still be able to look past them now?

What exactly made her so turned off by him anyway?

Soon, Alana found herself stopped in Chilton’s driveway instead of her own. She sat in her car, utterly shocked at how she arrived here. It must have just happened because she was thinking about him. She stared at Chilton’s house and something stirred in the pit of her stomach. The lights were on.

She reached for the gears, but instead of putting the car in reverse so she could back out of the driveway, she put it in park. _Fuck it_ , she thought to herself as she turned the car off and took the keys out of the ignition.

She was in old sweatpants and a shirt that had holes in the sleeves, her hair was in an untidy bun and she wore old flip-flops on her feet but she hardly cared what she looked like in front of Chilton at this point. She walked up to the door and rang the doorbell.

It took a few minutes for him to come to the door, but when he finally opened it, he looked surprised, but not too surprised. He stood in an oversized t-shirt and loose pyjama pants. He had a half-eaten sandwich in his hand, the crumbs of which hung off his day-old beard.

This was the sloppiest Alana had ever seen Chilton and she was sure that the same thought was crossing his mind about her.

He eyed her from the doorway, his free hand still resting on the door from when he opened it. After a short pause, Chilton asked, “What are you doing here?”

Alana responded by grabbing the neck of his shirt and kissing him. She pushed her tongue into his mouth and could taste bread. Chilton responded to the kiss immediately, letting go of the doorknob to wrap his free arm around her waist and pull her closer to him. She flattened her hands against his chest and raised one to cup his face, but he pulled away before she could.

“Wait,” he whispered, his eyes half closed. “I thought you were angry with me.”

Alana responded with a fact that she knew she would have to accept. “I’m always angry with you.” She put her lips back to his and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Chilton smirked into the kissed and dropped his sandwich so he could pull her into the house while he closed the door with his other hand.


	10. Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night does not go as planned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy reading this chapter as much as I liked writing it

The rays of the morning sun shone directly on the back of Alana’s head, making her feel like there was something burning next to her. It disrupted her cozy sleep. She woke up slowly, keeping her eyes closed and letting out a moan, wondering why on earth she was feeling so much heat. She always drew the curtains before bed because she liked to be in complete darkness when she went to sleep, but even if she had forgotten, there was far too much light shining through her eyelids for her to be in her own bedroom.

She settled into the warmth around her, ready to ignore all the out-of-ordinary things when she suddenly remembered where she was. Her eyes popped open and she found herself staring at the side of Chilton’s face. _Oh my god_ , she thought. She had her head resting on his bicep and her arm draped across his stomach. _Shit._ This was not supposed to happen.

Alana took her arm off Chilton and tried to move slowly away from him and closer to the edge of the bed. She tried to make the bed move as little as possible, trying not to disturb him enough to wake him up. It was one thing that they had fallen asleep on the same bed, but another for them to wake up cuddling each other. She could easily avoid the awkwardness that would follow if they both realized what had happened. She reached the side of the bed and turned away from Chilton so she was facing the massive windows of his bedroom. Her stomach was churning and she felt flushed, which made her feel irritated with herself. Since when did Frederick Chilton start giving her butterflies? She took deep breaths and tried to calm herself down.

Last night did not go as she had hoped.

It started off normally. Chilton and Alana undressed themselves in the bedroom, where Alana sat on the bed in her underwear while Frederick dug through a drawer for a condom. He usually had one out and ready for them but since the night wasn’t planned, he had to get it out. Alana watched him as he stood in front of her in his boxers, but all she could think about was the fight with Beverly. They had never gotten into a fight before, and she had never seen Beverly so angry. She was always so supportive of Alana and the fact that she reacted so strongly to the news was really something to be wounded over.

Beverly had been right. Alana had always hated Chilton and it was a very stupid idea to get involved with him. But now that she was involved, she really didn’t know where she and Chilton were in their relationship. It was casual sex, and she had wanted to keep in that way, and she was trying to keep it that way, but it was obviously starting to mean something to her if how he behaved towards her at the hospital affected her so strongly. Tears started forming in her eyes and she got a sinking feeling in her chest. Why was she doing this?

Chilton turned to her with the condom in his hands. “Got it,” he said.

Alana gave him a small smile while trying to blink away the tears.

Chilton hesitated. “Are you alright?” he asked, concern written clearly across his face.

“I’m fine,” whispered Alana, but her voice cracked. She bowed her head and looked at her hands resting in her lap. She knew that Chilton was watching her intently and she tried her hardest to calm herself down, but trying to supress the despair that had overcome her only made her want to cry even more. Soon, tears were streaming down her face and she let out a sob.

Chilton sat down next to her, looking worried. “Hey, it’s okay,” he murmured to her as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “It’s alright.”

At first, Alana stiffened at his touch, but then relaxed and leaned into him. She put her head on his shoulder and turned her body towards him. Chilton tightened his arm around her, pulling her even closer to him. He rubbed her back gently as she cried. “Everything is alright,” he whispered.

She felt his breath on her head and shivered. She stiffened again and pulled away from him, wiping away her tears angrily.

“What’s the matter?” asked Chilton.

Alana didn’t respond. She just stared at the ground in front of her. Chilton didn’t say anything else. Instead, he gave her back another stroke, then got up and left the room.

Alana wasn’t sure what he wanted her to do, but when he didn’t return after a couple of minutes, she decided that she should leave. She got up, frustrated with herself, and started to get dressed. She felt like a complete idiot. She shouldn’t have come here.

Chilton had been such a great outlet for anger that she thought sex with him might have helped her sadness as well, but that was clearly not the case. Anger was impulsive, but sadness required thoughts. Anger could be burned off like calories, but sadness festered and picked away at you and demanded attention, and Alana couldn’t ignore it no matter how hard she tried.

She felt her eyes filling up with tears again as she reached for her shirt. They rolled down her cheeks as she pulled her shirt on over her head. She buried her face in her hands and tried to calm herself down, but trying to force sobs from coming out caused her to start shaking. Why was she crying so much?

Because Beverly had never questioned anything Alana had done before, and definitely hadn’t ever gotten mad at her over her actions. Because Alana had no clue how she felt towards Chilton anymore, and whether she was growing attached to him just because they were sleeping together or because of his actual personality. Because she didn’t know how to handle the situation anymore. Because she shouldn’t have come to him tonight. Because he wasn’t who could comfort her. Because the person who could comfort her was the one who made her feel like this.

“Alana.”

She turned to see Chilton, still in his boxers, entering the room with a mug. “Here,” he said, offering it to her. “I always find that coffee calms me down.”

Alana stared at him the mug in his hands, too upset to show be surprised at his kindness. “I don’t like coffee,” she mumbled.

“Right,” said Chilton. He did not seem put off by her rejection “I’ll get you a beer, then.” He put the coffee down on the side table and started to leave the room but Alana stopped him.

“No, Frederick, it’s fine,” she said, picking up the mug. “This will be alright.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Though Alana was still crying, she smiled feebly as she brought the mug up to her lips. Chilton didn’t see the smile, so he still looked at her with concern. The coffee was hardly bitter. He had filled it up with so much cream and sugar that it tasted like a dessert. Alana hadn’t expected him to behave this way. She had expected him to either kick her out, or try to coax her into having sex despite her sadness.

After a moment of silence, she sat down on the bed. He sat down next to her and watched her face, which made Alana feel slightly uncomfortable. “Thanks…for the coffee,” she said.

“You’re welcome,” Chilton replied.

Alana rotated the mug in her hands, feeling awkward. She wasn’t really sure she knew what she should do. “I’m… I’m sorry about this,” she stammered. “I wasn’t… I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay,” said Chilton.

“I wasn’t even thinking when I—”

Chilton stopped her by putting his hand on her arm. “It’s fine, Alana,” he said, more firmly this time. He took the coffee from her and put it back on the side table and looked at her. “You don’t have to explain yourself.”

Alana nodded, her lip quivering. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. It was hard enough that he was watching her so intently. Tears started rolling down her cheeks again, and Alana sighed in frustration but before she could wipe them away herself, Chilton took her face in his hands and turned it towards his own so she was looking into his eyes. He wiped her tears away with his thumbs. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “I am here. You are fine.”

Something about his tone of voice relaxed her. He was looking unwaveringly into her eyes and she could feel his breath on her when he spoke. He knew nothing about what had upset her, but Alana felt comforted by his words nevertheless. It was like he had experience with soothing others. She looked at him in complete confusion. This was not the Chilton she had thought she’d known.

He noticed her bewilderment but he still did not falter. His hands were still on her face and he stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. He did this until Alana started shivering, and only then did he let go of her.

“I’m okay,” mumbled Alana, feeling embarrassed.

“Do you want to stay the night?” Asked Chilton.

“No…no…” said Alana.

She moved to get off the bed but Chilton took her by the elbow to stop her. “Stay the night,” he whispered.

Alana found herself not wanting to protest. Her mind told her to reject the offer, but she found herself nodding. Chilton took her face in his hands again and smiled. “Don’t ever feel bad for coming to me,” he said.

Alana nodded. Her heart sped up in her chest and she felt blood rushing to her face. She did not tell him that she did not come to him seeking comfort, but she had a feeling he already knew. She waited for him to kiss her, but he never did. It was becoming clear that he only wanted to ease her mind and didn’t have other intentions.

Chilton got up and picked his shirt up off the bedroom floor. He put it on and climbed back into bed. He got Alana to lie down next to him. They lay on their sides, facing each other, but with over a foot of space between them. “You know,” he said to her, “my mother once told me that the oceans are made of tears. I was six at the time. I remember how upset it made me that there were enough tears in the world for people to swim in.”

“Or to drown in,” whispered Alana.

Chilton reached over and ran his thumb under her eye to see if she was still crying. “Exactly,” he said, satisfied that his thumb was predominantly dry. “But when I got older, I realized that we cry enough to fill much bigger places than the ocean.”

Alana gave him a faint smile. She planned on waiting for him to fall asleep so she could leave and go to her own home, but she ended up falling asleep before he did.

And so, when Alana woke up with her arms around Chilton the next morning, she felt like a complete and total idiot. It honestly might have been better if Chilton had kicked her out instead of acting like a human being. His warmth and kindness only confused her more than she already had been. Could she have really been that wrong about him?

Alana moved the blankets aside, thinking that she would leave before Chilton woke up, but Chilton stirred when she sat up.

“Hey,” he said. “Morning.”

 _Shit_. Alana turned to face him, and the sight of his sleepy face half-hidden by the pillow made her stomach do cartwheels.

“Morning,” she squeaked.

Chilton propped himself up onto his elbows. “How are you feeling?”

Alana moaned and leaned her forehead into her hand. “Like a moron,” she muttered.

“Don’t,” said Chilton. “You aren’t.”

Alana took a deep breath and leaned back against the headboard. Chilton sat up and did the same. The two of them sat in silence for a moment before Alana broke it. “You handled the whole…irrational crying thing rather well, Frederick,” she observed.

Chilton didn’t seem to react much to the comment. “I’m used to it,” he said indifferently.

Alana looked at him questioningly.

“I’m a psychiatrist, remember?” he said.

“I doubt you see many prison inmates cry like I did,” said Alana. “And I doubt you comfort them the way you did me.”

“You’d be surprised,” replied Chilton, but when he saw that Alana wasn’t buying it, he sighed. “I may have also had some experience with comforting women,” he explained.

Alana looked away. “Oh,” she muttered. She got an uneasy feeling in her stomach. It wasn’t a surprised that Chilton would have been with other women, obviously, but it caught Alana off guard. She definitely didn’t think she would react like this to his mentioning other women he had been with.

Chilton, on the other hand, didn’t notice her hesitation. “Yea,” he continued. “And I could tell that your crying was not irrational. My mom…she had a lot of bad days. It took awhile for me to figure out how to calm her down, but I eventually got the hang of it.”

Alana looked at him in astonishment.

“What?” He asked.

“I…I just didn’t expect that,” explained Alana. “I’m…impressed.”

Chilton smiled and leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. “Then it doesn’t take much to impress you, darling.”

Alana let out a nervous laugh. “I guess not,” she said. She felt embarrassed but had to remind herself that Chilton had no way of knowing that his calling her darling made the butterflies in her stomach multiply.

It amazed her how calm Chilton was being about the situation. He was acting as if it was completely normal for a woman to show up at his house in the middle of the night for sex and then start crying uncontrollably. Alana felt like a basket case. She started picking at her nails. She didn’t like what she had done. She never would have thought she would be this kind of person, and she felt weak.

Chilton seemed to notice her distress. “Hey,” he said calmly, putting a hand on her shoulder. “You want some breakfast? I don’t cook but I do know how to make an omelette.”

Alana smiled. “Okay.”

Chilton was very slow in the kitchen. It took him over ten minutes to make the omelette for the two of them. Alana offered to help, but he refused.

The two of them ate in silence, with a few awkward glances at each other. The only other time the two of them had shared a meal was the first night they spent together and this day was the complete opposite of that. Instead of anger and frantic sex, there was sadness, comfort, and silence.

Alana would never have thought she would be here.

Chilton put the plates in the sink when they had finished.

“I should go,” said Alana.

Chilton turned to her. “Do you want to borrow some clean clothes?” he asked.

Alana shook her head. “No, I’m fine,” she said. “I’m just going to go straight home.”

Chilton nodded. “Okay.”

Alana stood for a moment, looking at the floor. He was standing, looking at her from across the room. “Look, I’m…I’m really sorry about last night,” said Alana. “I really don’t know what came over me. I didn’t even plan on coming here—”

“Alana, you don’t have to explain yourself,” said Chilton.

“No, I do. I just had a major fight with my friend, which has never happened before and I—”

“ _Alana_. Listen to me,” Chilton said sternly, coming towards her so he was only a few feet away. “I want you to stop apologizing for what happened.”

“But I—”

“Do you really think I would be so selfish that I would completely ignore how you felt and bang you?”

Alana turned red. That was exactly what she had thought. She looked at him. “I…”

“You know what? You don’t need to answer that,” he said. “I know how I come across. I know it seems like I don’t care about what anyone else wants or needs. I know it seems like I only care about myself.”

“I wasn’t—”

“It’s not true. I can’t sit idly by while someone else is hurting.” Chilton said this so heavily that Alana was sure he was talking about someone else.

She nodded. “Okay,” she said. But she did not move from her spot. She took a deep breath. “Thank you, Frederick.”

Chilton looked at her with nothing but kindness in his eyes. “You’re welcome, Alana.” He waited for her to leave, but when he saw that she was cemented to her spot, he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

Alana melted into the embrace. She put her arms around his torso and buried her face in his shoulder. They stayed that way for a while, with Chilton’s hand resting on the space between her shoulder blades and the other on her head. She felt like her stomach would burst.

The fluttering in Alana’s stomach did not go away, even after they broke apart, even after she told him goodbye, even after she had left his house, even after she arrived back home, even after she took a shower, even after she changed into clean clothes.

She kept smelling him on her skin and feeling his hands holding her. The fluttering stayed with her even then.


	11. Falling

Alana could not remember the last time she had felt so completely alone. After she had left Chilton’s house, she thought that she would return to a state of calm, but instead she found herself anxious and longing to be with him again. And even now, five days later on a lazy Friday evening, the feeling still lingered.

She was still devastated over her fight with Beverly, and reeling from all the questions it had raised about her feelings towards Chilton.

But every time she tried to focus on how she felt and what she wanted and the circumstances and consequences of those things, she just found herself getting lost in memories. She should be thinking about how she felt about hers and Chilton’s current situation. She should be thinking about whether she wanted it to change or stay the same. She should be thinking about where she wanted to go from this point on. She should be thinking about how she felt towards Chilton. She should be thinking about what would happen in their work environment if anything more happened between them and she should be thinking about how and when and if she should discuss this with Chilton. And she should be thinking about what he might want.

But all Alana could think about was how his arms had wrapped around her. He had held her so tenderly and steadily, but she could have sworn she felt his heart pounding in his chest when she hugged him. It hadn’t stopped pounding for the entire time they were pressed against each other.

At first she had thought it was just her own, but there were definitely two racing hearts next to each other, separated by a mess of ribs and tissues and muscles and skin.

Alana tried as hard as she could to understand what had made Chilton behave so kindly towards her. The two of them had become more comfortable around each other, but she never would have thought he would be willing to console her and have her stay the night just so he could make sure she was alright in the morning.

_And the hug…_

A smile tugged at her lips each time the hug crossed her mind. She could not remember the last time she had felt as at peace as she did when he held her. Maybe the vulnerable state she was in was to blame for that, but every time she thought about it, her stomach did backflips and she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him again.

They had sex so many times over the last two months but they had never simply held each other, and it was a ridiculously big jump to go from sex and no touching otherwise to holding each other with no sexual intent.

The craving to be in Chilton’s arms again only grew and grew and Alana wrapped herself up tighter in her blankets to try to make it feel like she wasn’t alone. She shivered regardless of how warm her sofa was. She slowly ran a hand over her arm. She closed her eyes and sighed when her hand left a trail of goose bumps. She could not stop thinking about how his arms felt or how he moved his hands on her body. She thought of his tongue and his lips and his teeth. She thought about how his muscles tensed up and the way his hips buckled when he climaxed. Her hand slipped between her legs.

His moans, his breath, and the way he tasted filled Alana’s mind and her eyes fluttered closed. A moan escaped her lips. _Oh Frederick_ … Her mouth fell open as her breathing wavered continuously from the pleasure she was giving herself. She raised her free hand to her forehead and arched her back, keeping her eyes shut as she absently moved her fingers and rocked her hips. _Yes…_

Suddenly, there was a loud rapping at her door, making her jump out of her skin. Her eyes shot open and she realized what she had been doing. She yanked her hand out from her pants and jumped up, her pulse pounding in her ears. _Oh my god_ , she thought, turning red. Had Chilton really seeped into her mind so completely? She stared at her hand in shock.

The visitor knocked again, this time even more insistent. Alana ran to the bathroom to wash her hands, and then took a series of deep breaths and to calm herself down. She wrapped a blanket around herself to cover her worn out pyjamas and went to open the door.

The woman standing on the other side had her fist in the air, ready for a third round of knocking, which she then let fall on top of the plastic container in her other hand.

Alana tried her best not to show the wave of relief that rushed over her. “Beverly,” she said. “Hi.”

Beverly sheepishly held out the container in her hands. “I brought cookies.”

A smile tugged at the corners of Alana’s lips. “Come in,” she said.

Beverly let out a breath of relief and entered the house. They walked silently into the kitchen and sat at the table with the container between them. “Listen, Alana, I want to apologize.”

“I do, too, Beverly,” Alana blurted out. “I really shouldn’t have yelled at you the way I did. I feel awful.”

“I would have yelled, too, if I were you,” said Beverly. “I won’t pretend to understand why you’re doing what you’re doing, but I shouldn’t have reacted so strongly. I should have listened to what you had to say.”

“You know how much I’ve always hated Chilton. It only makes sense that you would be angry.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Beverly protested, shaking her head.. “Confused, yes. Angry, no. What goes on in your personal life is your business, not mine. You trusted me enough to tell me what was going on and I didn’t really react how one would want their best friend to react. I should have been more understanding.”

“I don’t expect you to be completely accepting of everything I do, Bev,” said Alana. “Actually, I love your honesty.”

“That’s great to hear,” said Beverly. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “I’m still not convinced that this was a good idea,” she added, “but I respect your decision.”

Alana smiled. “Thank you. And I really am sorry about the way I yelled. I had no right to blow up like that.”

She and Beverly shared a short silence before Alana spoke up again. “Although, I would like to talk about something.”

“Yea?”

Alana picked at a piece of dried food that was stuck to the kitchen table. She felt a gnawing in her stomach. “Do you remember how you said that you thought I was falling for him?”

“Well, I only really noticed that you weren’t as angry with Chilton all the time. I just blurted out that you were falling for him in the heat of the moment. It was uncalled for and—”

“It wasn’t.”

Beverly furrowed her eyebrows in surprise and confusion. “What?”

“You were…you were on the right track, Bev.”

Beverly looked dumbfounded. “Are you saying you’re falling for Chilton?”

“Yes… _No_.” Alana groaned and buried her face in her hands. “Maybe.”

“Yes, those are the options,” said Beverly. “Which one is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“What happened?” Beverly asked.

“Well, after our fight, I went over to his house, thinking it might help calm me down,” started Alana.

“Naturally,” said Beverly, smirking. Alana couldn’t help but feel like Beverly was still a little proud of her for using sex to express unpleasant feelings for a change.

“Well, the night didn’t really go as I had hoped…”

Alana told Beverly about the night she and Chilton had spent together. Beverly grew more and more surprised as the tale went on and by the end of it all, she just shook her head. “Boy, was I wrong about him,” she muttered, putting her chin in her hand.

“Tell me about it,” Alana mumbled.

Beverly tapped her fingers on the table and Alana played with the saltshaker on the table.

“So,” Beverly said. “You and Chilton.”

Alana sighed. “Not yet,” she said. “Maybe never.”

“But you’re starting to like him,” repeated Beverly.

Alana nodded, opening the all-but-forgotten container of cookies in front of her. “I think so,” she said.

“Well, from what you’ve told me,” said Beverly. “I think he’s already there.”

Alana looked at her friend sceptically. “You really believe that?”

“Absolutely.”

Alana felt her stomach flare up with the butterflies that had been accompanying her for almost an entire workweek. She took a bite of the cookie in her hand. “Beverly,” she said.

“Yea?”

“These cookies are awful.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

The two of them had a few more awkward silences and attempts at explaining their actions, but soon, they had moved onto different subjects and started talking as if there had never been a fight at all. They talked for more than two hours but did not discuss Chilton again because Beverly was still uncertain on the whole concept and because Alana didn’t really even know what to think, let alone discuss.

And when Beverly left, Alana’s mind went straight to what she had said when Alana told her about the last time she was with Chilton. Beverly thought that he liked Alana. The very idea made her smile. She had been thinking about how he had made her feel, but she never thought he might have felt the same. She had kept convincing herself that all these changes that she saw in him were actually reflections of he was as a person, not of how he felt about her. Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe he did want her in more than just this way.

Alana thought back to the morning after she had slept at his house. He had held her for so long and he had even walked her to her car. The next day at work, he had called her office line to check up on her, which simultaneously impressed and embarrassed her.

He also started letting his guard down at the hospital. He would grab her ass when they were in an elevator together, or even go as far as trace his fingers up her thigh under the skirts she always wore. And just two days earlier, Alana had found a peculiar letter mixed in with her work mail at the hospital. It didn’t have a stamp or an address.

When she opened it, she saw it contained underwear. At first she was repulsed, thinking it was from a former patient or something of the like, but then she saw the note:

 

> _Alana,_
> 
> _You left this at my place that first night. I found it under my dresser. I would make an excuse for why I’m so late returning it, but I think we both know why I kept it. (Don’t worry though, it’s clean)._
> 
> _—Frederick_

She had laughed as she ran her fingers over his long, chicken-scratch handwriting. The note was now tucked away in her wallet.

Alana shook her head. She needed to start working on patient files, or she would never get Chilton out of her head. She had no problem focusing on her work, but it was when she had nothing to do that her mind kept returning to the hospital administrator. She had been at the FBI Academy all morning and afternoon, and got home just before 5pm. She made herself dinner and watched some TV, and then curled up on the couch with blankets until Beverly showed up around 6:30. It was close to 9 now and Beverly still hadn’t worked on her patient files from the day before.

She walked into her home office and started reading. About 45 minutes had passed, and Alana was completely absorbed in her notes. She jumped when her phone rang. She finished the sentence she was writing before slowly reaching for her phone and picking it up without looking at the caller ID. “Hello?” She said with most of her attention still on the files in front of her.

“Hi.”

She suddenly lost all interest in her work. “Frederick. Hi.”

“We haven’t seen each other in awhile,” said Chilton on the other line.

Alana smiled. “We saw each other yesterday, remember? Actually, we’ve seen each other everyday this week.”

“That doesn’t count,” said Chilton coolly. “That was at work.”

Alana leaned back in her chair. “But we saw each other on Sunday, Frederick,” she replied. “Remember?”

“Yes, I do,” said Chilton. “But we didn’t _see_ each other, if you know what I mean.”

“You mean we didn’t have sex,” she said, keeping her voice as casual as she could.

“ _Yes_.”

Alana played with the pencil between her fingers. “How about tomorrow?” she suggested.

“How about tonight?” responded Chilton

Alana smiled at his desire to see her so soon. “I have a lot of files stacked up,” she said, hoping he couldn’t tell she was smiling from her voice.

“Leave them for later,” he replied.

“I can’t!”

“Yes, you can,” insisted Chilton. “I happened to look at your schedule today and you don’t have work tomorrow, so you can work on them then.”

“You checked my schedule?”

“Yea,” he said. “I wanted to make sure you were available.”

“Well,” said Alana, fiddling with the corner of the file in front of her. “I was hoping to get at least half my work done today so—”

“Then bring your files with you,” Chilton interjected.

Alana laughed. “Really?” she teased. “That eager, huh?”

Alana could hear the smirk in his voice. “Oh, like you don’t miss me.” He said.

“Why, do you miss me?” replied Alana before thinking.

“Oh, uh…” Chilton said awkwardly.

She wanted to bite her tongue. She had forgotten for a moment that she and Chilton were not romantically involved, so her comment wasn’t particularly called for, especially since his had been so passive. Her comment was loaded. “You don’t…” Alana mumbled. “You don’t have to answer…”

“Yea, I do. I mean,” said Chilton, answering her question. “We have fun.”

Alana felt a knot form in her stomach. “Yea. Yea, we do.” She murmured.

He cleared his throat. “And I mean,” he continued, “You’re fun to talk to.”

Alana smiled. “So are you,” she said softly. For a moment, the two of them shared a somewhat uncomfortable silence. She listened to his breathing, trying to see if it had faltered at all like hers had.

“Although,” Chilton said, breaking the quiet with a more offhand tone of voice. “I have to say, I prefer when you’re screaming.”

Alana tilted her head in confusion. “So…when we’re fighting?” She asked.

Chilton chuckled on the other line. “No, actually, I didn’t mean the angry type of screaming,” he said. “I meant the orgasm type of screaming.”

“ _Oh._ ” Alana turned red, feeling stupid. “Right.”

“So are you coming?” Chilton asked.

Alana smirked. “Is that a pun?”

“Fuck yes,” said Chilton, slightly amused.

“Is _that_ a pun?”

“Just come over here,” said Chilton, slightly irritated.

“Is that—”

“ _Yes_ ,” said Chilton, cutting her off before she could finish. “It’s a fucking pun.”

Alana laughed. He was making this too easy. “Is that a pun?” she repeated.

Chilton paused. “You’re so irritating,” he said after a moment.

“Oh no, what are you going to do?” Alana asked, feigning fright. “Scream?”

Chilton laughed.

 

“I can’t believe you actually brought those with you,” Chilton muttered, shaking his head.

“Hey, it was your suggestion,” Alana retorted, wrinkling her nose at him. “And I intend to get work done.”

The two of them had had two rounds of sex and were now half-dressed in the kitchen. She was on a stool at the island with her patient files and notes spread out in front of her. He was leaning against the island on the other side so he could face her as she worked. She drank beer from a bottle. He was sipping wine. He joked with her about how she shouldn’t drink while working and she asked him not to tell her boss.

It was a peaceful time. He had given Alana a t-shirt to wear and she felt so comfortable in it. She remembered how much this would have bothered her when they first started sleeping together to be wearing his unwashed clothes.

After a prolonged period of comfortable silence, Alana spoke up. “Don’t you have work to do?” She asked.

“Already done,” replied Chilton.

Alana looked at him curiously. “Shouldn’t you be busier than me?” she asked. “I work four days a week and you run the hospital.”

“I guess that would make sense, huh?”

“Yes, it would.”

Chilton shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “I always get things done at the office. I try to finish it all there instead of bringing it home with me.”

“Why’s that?”

“I just don’t like to bring work home with me. I don’t like mixing the hospital with my house.”

Alana put down her pen. “Is… Is there any reason for that?” She asked hesitantly. The last time she talked about his house, it ended in a very rough round of sex on the cold kitchen floor complete with scratches and bruises and bumps.

Chilton swirled his wine around his glass. “Yes actually,” he muttered. He caught Alana’s eye and watched her closely and carefully, as if he was trying to see if he could trust her. It made Alana feel uneasy.

After a moment, Chilton let out a deep breath and took a few sips of his wine. “So…” he said, running his thumb around the rim of his glass. “Have you ever wondered…about my tattoo?”

Alana tried her hardest to keep her facial expression calm, but she was sure her efforts were unsuccessful, seeing as he smirked momentarily before returning his face to the serious look he had before. “Yea, I have,” she answered. Truthfully, she had never stopped wondering what his tattoo had meant since she saw it that first night.

Chilton pursed his lips and thoughtfully ran his hand over his tattoo. “You also have asked me if there was a reason why I liked everything to be so clean and white and bright,” he murmured.

“Yes.”

He picked up his glass and headed towards the living room. “You’ve also asked me why I work at the hospital,” he stated as he walked.

Alana got up and followed him. “I did,” she confirmed. She felt embarrassed not only just at how nosey she had been, but also at how he remembered everything she had asked him.

Chilton sat down on his sofa. “Well,” he muttered, “the thing is that one story can answer all of those questions.”

Alana raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Really? Just one?”

“Don’t worry,” he said, taking a sip of his wine. “It’s quite the story.”

“Oh.”

“And I’ve decided that…” Chilton pulled his feet up on the sofa and leaned back into the corner. He closed his eyes. “I want you to know.”

“Everything?”

Eyes still closed, he nodded. “If you want,” he added after a moment. “It’s a long story.”

Alana sat down on the sofa with him. “But why?” she asked.

Chilton looked at her hesitantly. “Well, we hadn’t seen each other in so long. You were mad at me for two weeks—”

“I wasn’t mad, I was just—”

“Whatever you were, you still ignored me for two weeks.”

Alana scowled, feeling a pang of guilt shoot across her chest.

“And after what happened on Sunday, I just kept thinking about…” Chilton trailed off, looking anxious.

Alana reached over and put her hand on his forearm. “Yes, Frederick?”

He looked at her wearily. “I was just thinking and I realized…that you really don’t know anything about me,” he finished.

 Alana could hear her blood pulsing behind her ears. This was not at all how she had expected the night to go. She gently pushed Chilton’s legs off the sofa so she could slide in closer to him. “You’re right,” she said, looking at the side of Chilton’s face as he stared out his enormous windows and tried to level his breathing. Alana touched his cheek. “I don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping you guys don't mind cliff-hanger-ish endings! I only really had a very basic outline for this chapter so much of it came to me as I wrote. Please comment below and let me know what you think.


	12. Good as Any

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chilton tells Alana the story behind his tattoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three cheers for making up sad back stories for your characters! Please let me know what you guys think of this, I'm really curious.  
> I also found another [Chilana playlist!](http://8tracks.com/letsplaymurder/stop-the-world/) I don't think this one is for the fic, but it works, right?  
> I also made my own [playlist](http://8tracks.com/wallflower-inc/fallacies-chilton-and-alana/) of songs that I listen to while I write if you guys are interested.

Alana leaned her head against the back of the sofa and watched Chilton intently as he recounted the story of how he became who he was. He didn’t look at her when he spoke. He alternated between looking at the glass of wine in his hand to the piano in his living room to the darkness outside his windows to the chandelier to the empty wall opposite him. He looked everywhere but he did not look at her. Alana was careful not to touch him. He seemed to be talking to himself when he told her his story. He would take random pauses, not because he had forgotten anything, but like he was trying to convince himself that he was all right. She didn’t want to have him come out of his trance-like state only to abruptly stop and refuse to tell her more of his story.

 “I came from a good home,” he said when he had started. “My dad was a surgeon. He wasn’t prominent in his field at all, but he got the job done. My mom was a dermatologist, so money was never an issue, even after my dad left us when I was five years old.

“Mom was big on hygiene. Always had been, but was much more obsessive about cleanliness after Dad left. Dad had always been messy. I had thought that she would be more relaxed after he left since there wasn’t as big a mess constantly just around, but she only got more neurotic about it. She kept the house clean, and would clean it when she came home; even of she had had a really long workday. She would mop floors even if they were sparkling and she would wipe off counters even if they were spotless.

“She always got me to clean up with her. She would get me to clean as I played, and clean as I ate. She said she didn’t want me to turn out like my father. Naturally, I picked up the habit of being a complete neat freak. I was able to tone it down later on when I moved out, though. But, as you can tell, I still like to be clean.”

Chilton paused for a minute. Alana waited.

“It was really in the later years of high school, after I had started taking an interest in psychology, that I realized what she had been doing this entire time,” he continued. “I figured out that she had considered herself…dirtied by my father and so she wanted to be surrounded by cleanliness to make up for it. She would change bed sheets and pillowcases every morning, and she would do laundry multiple times a week. She wouldn’t hire help because she was paranoid that they weren’t cleaning enough.

“I resented my father for leaving then. I had never resented him before because I wasn’t close with him when I was little, and I didn’t actually remember him that well. And after he left, I didn’t feel that deprived of anything. But when I realized Mom was the way she was because of him…”

Alana noticed the grip Chilton had on his glass was getting tighter and tighter. She was afraid he was going to break it but before she could say anything, he took a sip and put the glass down on the floor by the sofa. He rubbed his eyes with the base of his hands and muttered curses under his breath before letting out a sigh and continuing.

“I didn’t really care to find him. I had no desire to speak with him. As far as I was concerned, he was the deadbeat jerk who left my mother feeble and fragile. It was when I was in med school that I looked for him. I still didn’t want to speak with him, but I realized that Mom wasn’t telling me the entire story. He was never abusive. Of course, I really only had a couple of years’ worth of memories, but I don’t remember ever seeing him hurt Mom. So I was curious to see what made him so bad.

“I was in my fourth year when I searched for him. I had just started rotations in the operating room. Surgery. I didn’t know that the time that my dad had been a surgeon. I found that out when I found him.”

Chilton stopped. He chewed his bottom lip and furrowed his brows. Alana looked at his hands. He had one hand wrapped around the other, and was digging his nails into the back of the hand and was dragging them. His skin was starting to peel.

Alana put her hand on top of his to stop him, afraid that he would start bleeding. Chilton stopped abruptly and looked at her, as if he didn’t know she had been sitting there the entire time. They looked at each other for a moment. It wasn’t an intimate look that they shared. For Chilton, it seemed like he was realizing that he wasn’t alone with his thoughts. He pulled his hands from Alana’s and mumbled a thank you, explaining that he does that sometimes without realizing. He stared at the wall in front of him. She leaned back. He continued.

“Dad was insane. He knew that when he performed surgeries, the life of whoever was under the knife was in his hands. So he started to…experiment. He would puncture different organs and see if it affected the patients. And it did. But only weeks after the operation so they wouldn’t really be able to blame it on the surgery.

“People would come in for pains in their back and find something wrong with their kidneys and have to have one removed. They would find something wrong with their gall bladder or with their pancreas. My father loved it.

“So he started experimenting more. He started poking holes in vital organs until he was killing every patient that went under the knife. Obviously, he was caught immediately after that.”

He paused and played with ties of his pyjama pants.

“He was admitted to the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane.”

He picked up the now warm glass of wine and gulped it all down. He tried to steady his breathing. Alana waited.

“Like I said, I was doing rotations with surgeons at the time. I had found it really interesting but after learning about my father, the thought of surgery made me sick. So I took on psychiatry instead. But I couldn’t just harbour all this information that I found and not do everything possible to understand it. So I took a job at the hospital as soon as I was qualified to understand the criminal mind. My father was there when I started but I never spoke with him. Never had the chance, but I don’t know that I would have taken it if I were given one. He was executed before I could decide.”

Chilton paused. He stroked the empty glass with his thumb.

“I still don’t know if would have taken it.”

He sat in silence for a moment. Alana waited.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how nervous I was when I went to speak with Mom about it. I wasn’t mad at her. She had never once lied to my about my father, and I had never really asked, only assumed. I blurted it out when she was cleaning the kitchen. I told her I knew everything, and that I took a job at the BSH. She didn’t seem surprised that I knew, and she didn’t seem upset.

“The thing that really surprised me, though, was that she just seemed to accept that I was working at the hospital. She had wanted me to be nothing like my father, so I was expecting her to scream at me, but she just looked at me with this…completely neutral expression and said ‘okay.’ And when I asked her if she was angry with me, she said that she wasn’t. She said, ‘Even though you are in the same place where your father spent years for his sins, you are on the other side of the bars. You will flourish.’

“It was easy to see that Mom didn’t really mean what she said. I’m not saying that she was saying I would fail. It just seemed like she was telling me what I wanted to hear and that was when it really hit me. I might not flourish. What if I became crazy or obsessed? The man who hurt so many people who thought he was helping them was my father.

“I was half killer… I _am_ half killer. It is in my genes and I could just as easily become a killer as my father had.

“So I asked her about it. I asked Mom what would happen if I didn’t flourish. What if I fell?”

Chilton let out a short, quiet laugh. Alana could see the pain in his expression. The laugh was an attempt to mask it.

“She didn’t even hesitate. She didn’t even look up from the counter. It was like she had been thinking this for my entire life. What hit me suddenly like a brick wall was something that she had accepted years ago. She told me that I shouldn’t worry about falling. She said, ‘It’s a good a place to fall as any.’”

Chilton looked down at the tattoo and ran his fingers over it, slowly going over every letter.  “She was right, you know,” he muttered.

Alana looked at the tattoo, reading it as if for the first time. _Good as Any_ , it read. She felt a heavy weight in her chest as she realized the magnitude of Chilton’s words. This was something he truly believed. He believed that he could become a killer if he pushed too much. He believed it so much that he got his mother’s words written permanently on his skin.

Alana was tempted to reach out and touch the ink, to move her fingers with the curve of his skin and let him know that it was untrue. But she didn’t.

 _You’re not a killer, Frederick_ , she wanted to say, but the words were stuck in her throat.

“I like things to be clean, crisp. Precise,” Chilton murmured, still looking down. “And when you’re constantly surrounded by darkness at work, you want to come home to light.”

Alana reached over and took his hand so that their fingers were intertwined. She stroked his hand with her thumb and watched the pained expression on his face. It was a while before he held her hand back. She leaned her body against his and put her other hand across his bare chest. After a moment, Chilton leaned into her, turning his lowered head towards her.

Alana let go of his hand and put her arms around his neck, pulling him to her as tightly as she could. Chilton wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tightly against his chest.

Alana held him, wishing that she were bigger so he could feel like he was being protected in strong arms. She felt his distressed breathing against her neck.

“You may be surrounded by darkness, Frederick,” she whispered. “But you are light.”

She was relieved when Chilton seemed comforted by these words, only if slightly. He pulled her in even closer as he buried his face in her neck and hair.


	13. Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chilton and Alana talk about their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here we go. I realized that maybe I made Frederick's backstory a bit TOO upsetting, but I swear it sounded less depressing in my head. But oh well! More vulnerable Chilton, am I right?

The biggest problem Alana had with Frederick Chilton was how he kept changing the way he acted around her. She hated that he never seemed to be able to make up his mind as to whether he liked her or hated her. Not that Alana believed that Chilton hated her. No, she knew from the way he spoke with her that he didn’t hate her. The issue was that he seemed to want to hate her.

Alana had slept over at his house the night he told her about his father. He didn’t ask her to, she didn’t ask to, and it wasn’t planned.

In fact, after she hugged and tried to comfort him, Chilton pulled away and went back to acting as if nothing had happened, as if he didn’t tell Alana about how he believed that he could one day become capable of murder. Though he did seem a bit cautious at first, as if he wanted to see if Alana had become scared of him somehow, but she was not. She knew him. He wasn’t a killer. He could never become a killer. No matter how cruel he may seem sometimes, he was not a killer.

 They had planned on having sex again, but ended up falling asleep on the sofa together while drinking. When Alana woke up the next morning, her back was pressed against Chilton’s chest and his arms were wrapped tightly around her waist. She could feel his heavy breaths on the back of her neck.

Like the last time she had slept over, it had been the light shining through the windows that woke her up, though it was worse this time because of how much larger the windows in the living room were in comparison to the bedroom. The sunlight, mixed with the heat of Chilton’s body and the warm breaths made her feel warm and slightly uncomfortable, but she was grateful of the firm hold Chilton had on her, without which, she probably would have fallen off the narrow sofa.

But despite all the warmth, Alana still got goose bumps. She cursed herself for getting them, seeing as she had only started this because she could never picture herself with Chilton. She was annoyed that this was changing, and whether she wanted Chilton was something that she could not stop thinking about when she got back to her own house.

There were days like this that she was sure that she was falling for him, that she liked him, that she wanted to be with him, but then there would be days where she would quickly be reminded of why she didn’t want to have anything more than a physical relationship.

 

She was fuming as she walked down the hallway to her office, but she held her head high and her muscles relaxed until she had closed the door behind her. Only then did she pull out some files meant for shredding and start ripping them into pieces with her hands. _Fuck him and everything he says and does and is_ , she thought as she tore into the paper.

Sure, Chilton had good sides to him, but who didn’t? His negative attributes always seemed to dominate every time he and Alana were around other people.

There had been a monthly meeting at the hospital, and some of the psychiatrists had brought up past allegations against Chilton about his methods of treating patients. He denied everything, but it was not a secret that, even if he wasn’t doing anything illegal, there were still questions and concerns about the way he treated some of the patients.

Alana had mentioned that he can get caught up with getting to the end result and forget about methods. That if he wants a confession from a patient, he will do everything in his power to get it, and not consider that he may be wrong about what the patient had done. And even though a few other psychiatrists did agree with Alana on this matter, Chilton did not insult anyone else the way he did her.

He belittled her judgement, said that she didn’t have enough experience at the hospital to know as well as he did how to handle criminals. He would not listen to any arguments she made to the contrary and then, after everything, he stated that it was just a matter of beliefs, ending the discussion by saying, “I don’t feel like having a moral battle with you over a difference of opinion, Dr. Bloom.”

After the meeting was finished, Alana brushed by him. “The difference is of more than just opinion,” she muttered, referring to his judgement, which she had made clear during the meeting, was unethical.

It was not hard to see the anger Chilton felt at the comment.

 

The following day, Alana and Chilton entered an elevator together and stood stiffly next to each other, without making eye contact. Both were angry, but whereas Alana had planned to just ignore him completely, she could see that Chilton was about ready to yell at her as soon as she opened her mouth. She decided that she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

The two of them stood for a moment in uncomfortable silence for a moment when Alana’s phone buzzed. She smiled, silently thanking Beverly for texting her at the best possible time. She read the text and chuckled to herself at the funny message her friend had sent.

This offended Chilton. “What?” he snapped.

“Nothing,” replied Alana shortly.

“What are you laughing at?” he asked.

“Just a text from a friend,” she muttered. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You are so fucking full of yourself,” he said.

“ _What_?”

“It’s obvious that you’re giving me the silent treatment,” he said, “And trying to make me jealous by laughing at some stupid text of yours.”

Alana was dumbfounded. Apparently he was much more angry than she thought he was. “You’re kidding, right?” she said.

“I don’t care if you’re having a blast without me,” he snarled, trying to demean her. “I know you’re mad about the meeting but you seriously need to stop acting like a fucking baby every time you don’t like what I say to you.”

“Frankly, I don’t give two fucks about what you have to say to me.”

The doors opened before Chilton could respond and a nurse climbed into the elevator. He greeted the doctors with a smile, which Alana returned. She stood with her hands folded in front of her and a light smile on her face. She wanted to seem completely normal and at ease. Chilton, however, looked agitated and angry from both his facial expression and his stance. But then again, that wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary for him.

The floor that the nurse was going to was above the floor with Chilton and Alana’s office so they didn’t get to resume their argument in the elevator. When it arrived at their floor, they exited the elevator and silently walked down the hallway. However, when Alana turned to enter her office, Chilton grabbed her elbow.

“Meet me in my office in two minutes,” he snarled before letting her go and continuing down the hall to his own office.

Alana rolled her eyes and entered her office. She texted Beverly back, joking that she had gotten in trouble for texting, like she was in grade school. She then put her bag away and checked her work schedule. Her first appointment was not for another 25 minutes, so she had plenty of time to speak with Chilton.

She was not in the mood to be yelled at, but she knew it had to be done. And she was sure that she could do some yelling right back at him. She took a deep breath to prepare herself and left her office.

“Come in,” Chilton barked when she knocked on his door.

Alana entered, closing the door behind her.

“Where are you been?” he demanded before she could say anything. The way she was standing by his desk made it clear that he had been pacing. His tie was loosened slightly and his suit jacket was tossed across his chair.

“You told me to meet you in two minutes,” Alana said.

“It’s been four,” he snapped, approaching her.

“No, it hasn’t,” argued Alana. “It’s been two.”

Chilton had reached her by now. “No, it hasn’t,” he said.

He didn’t wait for her to retort. He just grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her roughly.

Alana let out a sound of surprised that was stifled by his mouth. She lost her footing from the sudden action on Chilton’s part, but he steadied her. She had been too caught off guard to react and was trying to clear her head as he moved his tongue in her mouth.

She pushed him away. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” Chilton replied flatly, undoing his tie and tossing it over his shoulder. He kissed her again.

“Wait,” Alana said, pulling away and causing Chilton to groan in annoyance. “What happened to not having sex in the office?”

“Evidently, I changed my mind,” he grumbled before kissing her again. He grabbed her hips and pulled her closer to him, grinding against her with one hand on her spine and the other moving down towards her thighs.

Alana moaned, figuring this was better than an argument, and started pulling his tucked-in shirt from his pants. “I’m still mad at you,” she muttered against his mouth as he guided her towards the desk.

“You said you’re always mad at me, remember?” He replied, moving his hands between them so he could start undoing the buttons of his shirt.

 _I did say that_. “Wait,” Alana murmured, but Chilton was not slowing down. He moved his lips from her mouth to her neck. “Wait,” she repeated, no longer muffled by his mouth.

“What?” Chilton groaned against her skin.

Alana pushed him away and stepped back. She didn’t want to constantly be angry with him but still have sex with him. “I don’t want to do this,” she said.

Chilton looked at her a moment before exhaling and straightening up. “Fine,” he said, redoing the top three buttons of his shirt and picking up the tie from the floor.

Alana thought he looked absolutely ridiculous, with the previously tucked-in part of his shirt completely wrinkled, his hair starting to lose its polished shaped and light pink lipstick smeared across his mouth. He started retying his tie as he walked to the other side of the desk. He didn’t sit.

Alana suddenly thought of how ridiculous she herself must look. She combed her fingers through her hair and removed her smudged lipstick with her hand.

“We’ll pick this up later,” said Chilton once he had straightened himself out.

“No,” said Alana.

Chilton let out a breath, looking as if he had expected her to say that. He placed his hands on his desk. “You mean you want to stop doing this altogether?” he asked.

Alana shook her head. “No.”

“Then what do you want, Alana?” Chilton asked with his voiced raised.

“I don’t know!”

“But it’s not this,” he said. “May I remind you that this was your idea to start with?”

“I know that, Frederick,” Alana replied.

“Then what is the problem?”

Alana crossed her arms. “I don’t like the way you treat me,” she stated.

“I am treating you the same as I have always treated you,” retorted Chilton, standing up straight.

“Yea. That’s the problem,” said Alana, trying to control her volume. “I guess I was stupid to think that you might be even the slightest bit nicer to me.”

“Why?” asked Chilton, completely unfazed by her comment. “We aren’t dating, Alana.”

“I know,” replied Alana. “Stop doing that!”

“Doing what?”

“Talking to me like I’m some love-struck fifteen-year-old!” Alana snapped. “I don’t want to date you, Frederick, but I want to at least be _respected_!”

Chilton raised his head, as if making a point to look down at her. “We said when this started that we wouldn’t change what we already had,” he stated simply, walking out from behind his desk.

“Before all this, we barely knew each other,” said Alana. “Now that I know more about you, I thought…” she trailed off. What _did_ she think? That he liked her? She barely even knew how she felt towards him. “I don’t care if you dislike me but I thought you might actually treat me like a person,” she muttered.

Chilton seemed completely unmoved by what she said, which infuriated Alana more than she thought it would. “What do you want from me, Alana?” he repeated.

“I just fucking told you!” Alana yelled.

“Well, I can’t do that!” Chilton countered. “You and I are _not_ friends. We are coworkers. Actually, I am an administrator and _you_ work under _me_ and it would do you good to accept that.”

“I _know_ we aren’t friends!” Alana yelled. “I _know_ your position is above mine! I am not an idiot, I know! But I thought that the fact that we’ve been at this for months, that I know you in a more personal level than I know _anyone_ , would be enough to make you treat me like an equal!”

Alana noticed the veins popping out in his arms from how he had tensed his muscles. “I said it before, and I’ll say it again,” said Chilton through clenched teeth. “I am treating you like I always have.”

“And you don’t intend to change?”

“No.”

Alana watched him for a moment. She saw the stubbornness in his eyes, and the determination reflected in the way he was standing, his complete and utter unwillingness to change, and Will’s voice suddenly rang through her head. _What did you do to him_? And suddenly, she understood. “So it’s not even about me, then, is it?” she muttered. “It’s about you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You have never wanted to treat me any different than you always have. And you weren’t ever going to treat me differently,” Alana stated. “It didn’t matter that we started fucking. It wouldn’t have mattered if we had become friends. It wouldn’t have mattered if my position at work became as prominent as yours. You were always going to treat me like you always did.”

Chilton didn’t reply and he didn’t change his position, but he shifted his eyes for a second, and that was affirmation enough for Alana.

“Am I wrong?” She asked.

“No,” spat Chilton. “You aren’t.”

That was the response Alana had expected. But it still hurt. “Why are you so stubborn?” she asked. “Is giving me respect supposed to damage your delicate ego or something?”

Chilton ground his teeth. “The way I treat you hasn’t changed,” he said quietly, “because the way I perceive you has not changed.”

Alana faltered. After everything, had nothing really changed? Was she really the same person in his eyes as she was before? She let out a wavering breath. “Good to know,” she said, looking away.

Chilton walked towards her. “So are we done here?” he asked, stopping about three feet away from her.

“Yea,” muttered Alana. “We are done here.”

Chilton narrowed his eyes at her. “It’s hard to tell what you’re referring to when you say that,” he said.

Alana knew from the feeling of complete disgust in the pit of her stomach that she didn’t want to touch him again. It was the same feeling she had when she first met him. “It’s true no matter how you interpret it, doctor,” she stated slowly, wanting him to hang on every word she said.

Chilton watched her face, waiting to see if she had anything else to add. When Alana only stared back, he spoke. “You’re the one who wanted this in the first place,” he stated quietly. “Not me.”

The feeling of disgust in her stomach only grew, but Alana did not waver. “Maybe I was wrong about what I wanted,” she said.

Chilton stepped towards her, coming so close that she could feel his breath on her, but she refused to step back. “Well, it’s too late to change,” he replied.

Alana didn’t respond. Instead, she turned on her heel and left his office.

She went back to her own office to prepare for her first appointment. She spent the entire day with her head held high and her shoulders square, not letting on to anything she may have been feeling.

And it wasn’t until the day had ended and she entered her house that she covered her mouth with her hand and let out a muffled scream.


	14. Wrap Dress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana is over and done with Chilton. But is Chilton over her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proof reading is annoying and I'm tired so please don't mind all the mistakes.

He said that nothing had changed between them. He said that he saw her as he always had. He meant that she was not important to him and he was only in this for the sex and it killed Alana that it hadn’t stay that way for her. But if he truly felt that way, why had he been so open towards her? What reason would he have to open up and let her in?

Will had told her that Chilton had a grudge against her and, though at the time, she didn’t really seriously consider it, the confrontation she had with Chilton made it clear that he did indeed have something against her from the start. It had been over a week since their conversation.

And that was what Alana referred to it as: a conversation. It seemed too personal if she called it a fight. Then, to make sure that it was not personal in any other aspect, Alana made sure to treat him the same as she had before they started sleeping together. It wasn’t a hard thing to do since she felt the same contempt towards him as she had felt before.

She just hated that she was also sad. Sometimes, she would find herself starting to think kind thoughts towards Chilton, and she would simply replay their conversation in his office to stop the thoughts from progressing. The contempt would return, but Alana would still feel sad that she was wrong about him. She would feel sad that she had really thought that the two of them were past their mutual dislike. She would feel sad that she let herself get so completely caught up in him that she had begun to see what was clearly not there. Alana figured that the best way for her to get rid of this sadness was to completely ignore it, and force herself to treat Chilton the same as she had always treated him.

The problem was that Chilton didn’t seem to realize that when Alana said it was over between the two of them, she had really meant it. Maybe he thought that their fight—no, their _conversation_ —was the same as any of their other disagreements. So it really threw him when she didn’t respond to his insulting her the following day. Instead of saying what she wanted to, Alana simply nodded and coldly thanked him for his input.

Her attitude continued to stay this way, even though Chilton changed his intentions and tactics. At the beginning, he was simply angry with Alana and he wanted to insult her. Afterwards, he started trying to get her to argue with him, since she wasn’t reacting to any comments he made, no matter how condescending they may be. After that, he grew worried, and started teasing her and trying to joke with her, like he had before when everything between them had gotten very good. His pleas grew more and more desperate as time went on.

All of this only happened when the two of them would ride the elevator together, which made the shifts in Chilton’s actions and words much more prominent.

 

Alana kicked off her shoes as soon as she entered her house. Looking around, she made a mental note to do some mopping in the living room and kitchen. She hated mopping so she always procrastinated as long as she could on the chore.

She had been observing Will until early evening, after which she had gone to the Academy’s library and did some reading to see if she could find anything relating to Will’s condition. She hadn’t found anything noteworthy. Only that he had characteristics that spread through an entire range of psychological disorders. It had been exhausting and ultimately useless.

Even though she had just had a day off she was still overwhelmingly tired, since she had been out running errands for the majority of the day. _Why do I work so much_? She thought to herself as she poured herself a glass of beer and then dragged herself to the bathroom. She decided that she needed to relax so she ran a bath. She started undressing once the bathtub was filled and she was satisfied with the amount of bubbles, but a loud, insistent knocking at her door stopped her.

 _Maybe they’ll go away if I don’t answer_ , she thought to herself. She looked at the clock and was surprised to see that it read 10 o’clock. _Who is at the door at this time_? She stopped undressing and went to the door when the visitor knocked again.

She had taken off all accessories, and her tights. She was still wearing her wrap dress and still had her make up on, so she didn’t feel particularly uncomfortable opening the door.

That is, of course, when she saw who was on the other side.

“Hi,” he said, looking panicked.

“What are you doing here?” Alana asked.

Chilton pushed himself past her and into the house, knowing she wasn’t about to invite him in, and that if he stayed outside, it would be far too easy for Alana to slam the door in his face. “I wanted to speak with you,” he said.

Alana could see how hard he was trying to come across relaxed, but he looked like he was about to throw up. She didn’t really feel any sympathy, though. His forcing himself into her house only angered her. “How the hell do you even know where I live?” She demanded.

“I’m your boss. I have all your information,” he replied, shortly. “How the hell do you think?”

“Fine,” said Alana, closing the door and crossing her arms. “What do you want?”

“I want to talk,” stuttered Chilton.

“Yea, you already said that,” Alana said, growing impatient. _I should’ve ignored the door_ , she thought bitterly. “What do you want to _talk_ about?”

“I wanted to…uh…” he trailed off. Alana could see that he was struggling to find the right words. She watched him in her foyer as she stood by the front door. Alana was too angry with him to feel sorry for his demeanour, and instead just scoffed at how pathetic he looked. He was in a zip-up sweater and unbelted jeans. His hair was messy and he had stubble on his chin.

“What?” She asked when he was silent for a few minutes.

“I don’t think that we should end our relationship,” he blurted out.

Alana raised her eyebrows and smirked. “Relationship?” She repeated. “Is that what you call hate-sex?”

Chilton shifted from one foot to the other. “I… I don’t hate you, Alana,” he muttered.

“Really,” said Alana sarcastically, “Thank you. It’s very much appreciated.”

He furrowed his brows. “So I take it you aren’t interested,” he said meekly, not looking at her.

“What the hell do you think!? Of course not!”

Chilton looked hurt, but Alana couldn’t find a way to feel bad for him. “Why not?” he asked.

Alana was stunned. “Are you seriously asking me that right now?” She asked.

“Okay, okay,” he said, bowing his head. “I understand, but… but I can change!”

“What?”

Chilton suddenly went from acting timid and frightened to panicked and almost desperate. “I’ll be nicer to you! And I’ll give you respect if that’s what you want!” he exclaimed.

Alana didn’t even think she had the energy to properly express her disgust. She rubbed the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “No,” she said. “When I said we’re done, I meant it. We are done.”

“But I’m ready to change the way I treat you now and—”

“Well, that’s not enough!” Alana cried out suddenly.

“But that's what you were complaining about before!” Chilton protested.

“Well, that's not enough anymore!”

“Then what is?” he asked.

Alana paused. There was no point in denying it anymore. “I didn't even know at first, but then I figured it out,” she said, laying all her cards on the table. “The reason why all that even bothered me so much was because I had begun to like you. And I thought you might have felt the same.”

Something changed in Chilton’s manner. The colour seemed to drain from his face and he looked as if he had just been hit on the head with something very hard and heavy. “You…”

“But then I was clearly wrong!” Alana cried. “You weren't who I thought you were!”

“You like me?” Chilton whispered, completely stunned.

“Yes!” Alana said. “I mean, no… I did…”

“But why?”

“What?” She looked him up and down. Her anger was still very much present, but it was less explosive and she was growing more and more confused about the way he was behaving.

“Why did you like me?” He asked, as if he was pleading with her.

Alana shuffled her feet. “I started to like you because of all those conversations we would have,” she explained. “You know, the ones when it was just the two of us together. The ones when you would actually act like a human being.”

Chilton was visibly upset by the last comment, but Alana continued anyway.

“You’re so horrible, Frederick,” she said. It was not said as an insult, though. Her voice had become dangerously close to a whimper, and she could feel tears of both sadness and frustration burning at the back of her eyelids. “You don’t care about anyone, do you?”

The pain on Chilton’s face only grew. “Alana…” he started.

“Just go,” said Alana, stepping towards to the door.

“Alana…” he said, stepping towards her. “Please…”

“I want you to leave my home, Frederick,” Alana said, more forcibly this time.

“Wait, no!” Chilton protested. “This can’t just—just be over!”

“Why not?” Alana demanded, hating herself for how vulnerable she sounded despite her anger. “Like you’ve said, nothing has changed between us.”

“Everything has changed,” said Chilton, shaking his head.

“No! Nothing has!” Alana cried. “You still treat me like shit!”

“I don't—”

“Yes, you do! You always have and you always will!”

“No,” Chilton retorted, his voice rising to match Alana’s, although his sounded less like arguing and more like shameful denail. “No, I haven't!” 

“Yes, you have!” Alana repearted, “You can deny it all you want but you seem to forget that I was there too, that I was at the receiving end of all of your cruelty.”

Chilton seemed completely taken aback by the comment. “I was never cruel.”

“Yes, you were,” Alana said.

“But I never meant to be!”

“Then what did you _mean_ to be?”

Chilton stared at Alana, unsure of how to to word his thoughts. He turned away from her and buried his face in his hands. After a long pause, he answered her. “Normal.”

Alana stood still for a moment, surprised. “What?”

Chilton slowly paced the foyer for a moment, looking more and more nervous with every step he took. Finally, he stopped and leaned against the wall with his head bowed and spoke. “When I saw you for the first time, I thought you were beautiful,” he murmured, “And intelligent and funny. And I wanted to be able to have conversations with you and talk to you, get to know you, but I could never bring myself to do so because you made me so nervous, so I ended up talking to you even less than I would walk to anyone. I tried to play it off as confidence, to make it seem like I was this important man, this big deal…but I guess it came across as arrogance.”

“Oh, I can think of much better words to describe what it came across as,” Alana sneered.

“But that wasn't my intention,” Chilton said. Even though he was defending himself, his tone seemed very much apologetic. “And you were so cold to me,” he added, more quietly, “And it really…really fucking sucked.”

“So what?” Alana said, her voice faltering due to frustration and confusion. “Are you telling me this was just a schoolboy crush? You were mean to me because you liked me?” The possibility only angered her further.

“No, I was mean to you because I _didn't_ like you,” Chilton explained quickly. “I quickly realized after we met that you weren't as great as I had thought you were. First impressions can lie, can't they? I liked you. You treated me badly. I started to resent you.”

 _What did you do to_ him? And suddenly Alana knew. Chilton hadn’t realized that he was behaving badly towards her. So when she retaliated, he thought that she was acting that way for no reason. “I was only giving you what you gave me!” She cried.

“I realize that now but at the time, it just felt like you decided you hated me for no reason!” Chilton said, quickly.

“I had a reason!” Alana said.

“Yes, I know that now!”

Alana felt her muscles go from tense to limp. She stared wide-eyed at Chilton and she could physically feel the anger leaving her body, as if it was being drained out from her feet and she was instead becoming envelopped by a feeling of understanding. “So all those insults…” she said slowly and quietly, “All those condescending comments…”

“Started as me trying to treat you like everyone else,” finished Chilton, “And accidentally treating you worse.”

“And then it all actually became how you felt towards me.”

Chilton looked at her and she could plainly see the apologies and regrets he felt in his eyes. “Yes,” he whispered.

“Bitter,” spat Alana.

Chilton closed his eyes. “Yes,” he whispered.

“Cold.”

“Yes.”

“Like you were better than me.”

Chilton frowned, looking more miserable than he had already. “Yes,” he whimpered.

Alana clenched her teeth to keep her lips from trembling. “Like I was worthless,” she said.

“Yes.”

For a moment, the two of them just stared at each other, both looking hurt and miserable. All the misunderstandings, all the fallacies were crumbling down right before their eyes and there was nothing to stop them from saying what they wanted. Alana took a deep breath. “Mean,” she whispered, almost to herself.

Chilton nodded once, looking at her with tired eyes. “Yes.”

Alana looked at her hands, suddenly feeling breathless. “How do you...” she murmured, hesitantly looking up at him, “Feel about me now?”

It was difficult to name all of the emotions that Alana saw on Chilton’s face but among the many were regret, fear, anxiety, and doubt. He took hesitant steps towards Alana, who remained glued to her spot. He did not say anything, only walked towards her until he was as close as he could get without touching her. He studied her face for a moment before using two fingers under her chin to push her face up towards his. He leaned down and kissed her gently and slowly. It was chaste and undemanding, but it made Alana’s face burn and her heart race. It was not a kiss that asked for more, it was a kiss that wanted to reveal emotions: timidity, care, consideration, compassion… and something that felt dangerously close to love.

Chilton’s lips lingered on hers for a moment after they stopped kissing and he pulled away. Alana watched the look of utter uncertainty on his face and she saw the same look on her face reflected in his eyes. She slowly raised her hands to the zipper of his sweater and unzipped it. She tucked her hands inside so that they were around his waist. She could feel the rapid movement caused by his shallow breaths and how tense his muscles were underneath the thin fabric of his t-shirt. She slowly stroked his sides with her thumbs and looked up at him.

He looked dazed and confused. She tried to smile at him, but couldn’t bring herself to. Instead, she raised herself on her toes and kissed him again, wrapping her arms around his waist. Chilton breathed a sigh of relief into Alana’s mouth as he lifted his hands to her face.

They stayed that way for a long time, kissing each other softly. They would pull away from the kiss to catch their breath, but leave their lips close enough to still brush the other’s as the their pants died down, and then they would kiss again.

Alana eventually felt the bulge that had formed in his pants, that was growing by the minute, against her stomach. She tried not to smile, fearing Chilton might take it as mockery, when in reality, she had thought it nice that he wasn’t actually trying anything.

Despite his arousal, Chilton kept his hands only on her face and his lips only on her mouth. He did not deepen their kiss and he did not pull her closer. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he had wanted whatever Alana wanted to happen to happen.

So she stopped kissing him and stepped away. Without taking her eyes off Chilton, she unwrapped her dress slowly until it was completely undone and she stood with it hanging on her shoulders.

Chilton’s eyes flickered down at her body and quickly back up to her face, as if he thought he wasn’t supposed to look. Alana reached out and pushed his sweater off his shoulders so that it fell down onto the floor behind him. She the looked at him expectantly until he pulled his shirt off. She stepped forward and kissed him, pressing her body against his. She was loving how his rigid, almost panicked body felt against hers, and it made her moan into his mouth, which in turn only made him harder. He tried to pull her closer but Alana stepped back before he could. She shrugged off her dress and undid her bra. She slipped out of her undergarments so she stood completely naked in front of him.

She smiled.

So did he.

Alana reached out, took his hand, and led him to her bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK GUYS I USED THE TITLE OF THE FIC IN THE CHAPTER


	15. Morning

It was a really bad habit, really, to just do what seems easy and fitting to the situation. It was a habit that Alana never really had. She had always been level-headed and rational, even in situations that were more intimate and personal, that depended on insticts and acting upon feelings.

There were so many things running through her mind when she lead Chilton to her room, when she helped him with removing the rest of his clothing, when she lay down on the bed, but she didn’t voice any of them, and she did not know why.

There was a realization that had occurred last night, and it was that she and Chilton could have easily avoided every single bad thought they had said to each other through the year they had worked together. All of it was for nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Her head was overflowing with thoughts all night and she woke with a headache and a foggy recollection of the Chilton-centred dreams she had had. The two of them were facing each other in her bed, but not touching. Chilton’s arm was extended towards her, as if he had been reaching for her at one point in the nighttime.

It was very early in the morning, but after such restless a night filled with tossing and turning and being awoken several times during the night, she decided to get up and take her time to get ready to go to the FBI Academy. Jack had asked to meet with her about her observations, and he had also said that he had some matters to discuss with her.

She moved aside her covers and shivered from the early morning cold that suddenly hit her still bare body. She grabbed a robe and went to the bathroom. She sighed when she saw that the light had been left on all night, and that the bathtub was filled with the water she had drawn for herself before Chilton arrived. There was an almost-empty glass of beer on the counter and her tights were on the floor. She let out a deep breath and looked at herself in the mirror.

Her makeup had run, her hair was a mess, and she had two hickeys: one on her neck and another on her chest. Everything about her appearance screamed sex, and to silence it, she took a long, hot shower.

She cleared the bathroom of what was out of place and went downstairs, having to pick up Chilton’s discarded shoes as she descended the stairs. She went to put them by the door and saw their clothing—his shirt and sweater, her dress and underwear—on the floor. She picked those up as well.

She wanted to get rid of every evidence that last night had happened, but it was hard to do when he was still in her bed. She had thought that maybe if she cleared her home, she would be able to clear her head, but since it wasn’t exactly possible, she went upstairs after a quick breakfast and got ready as quiet as possible.

She wrote him a note before she left, telling him where she had gone and to help himself to anything from the kitchen. She put it on the bed by his hand.

 

After her meeting with Jack had finished, Alana went to her car and decided to take a long drive. It was one of the most effective ways to think things through. Originally, she was planning on doing research and talking to Will about some things, but since she didn’t actually have a schedule planned out and no one knew of her intentions, she thought it was best for her to just take the rest of the day off.

Jack wanted her to become a consultant for the FBI. She would have to undergo some training, and then he wanted her working for him as soon as she finished up qualifications. He explained the responsibilities and she told him she would think about it, even though she knew that she wanted the job.

Working with the FBI had always been something that she had wanted, but she had thought that the hospital would be the closest she would get to seeing criminal minds, but if she took the job, she would get to see criminal behaviour when it isn’t restricted. And she could make an even bigger difference in the world by putting criminals behind bars than she would by talking the men that have already been caught.

The job was not what she needed to think about on her long drive. She almost felt nauseous at the image of Chilton waking up to a completely empty house and finding an indifferent, almost passive, note where she should be.

Last night should not have happened. Alana didn’t know what she wanted. Chilton made it clear what he wanted. Sleeping with him only told him that she felt the same as he did. But that’s what made everything so complicated. She did like Chilton, and she did want him, but she was not sure if their being together was a good idea. She knew what she did was unfair. She felt absolutely disgusted with herself for sleeping with him.

What made it so much worse was knowing how sweet he had been to her. Alana had had enough experience with men to know that they hated talking about feelings if they put them in a helpless place, and she knew it must have been hard for Chilton to expose himself the way he had. And he was giving her so much of himself, letting her see him.

Their night had been a long one. It was not frantic, nor was it rough, nor was it instinctual. It was loaded with emotions that made Alana want to scream out loud. Chilton had been so relieved when she kissed him, and when she undressed, and when she lead him to the bedroom. She found herself watching him when as he was on her, amazed by how different he was in this state, where his guard was down and he didn’t have anything to hide.

After driving aimlessly for over two hours, Alana stopped to fill up the car’s tank and headed home.

When she arrived, she found a note on the door from Chilton, reading _Thank you_. She walked around her house and saw that, though his clothes were gone, There were traces of his presence still lingering. There was an empty mug in her kitchen sink. The toilet seat was left up. There was an indent on his side of the bed. Alana took a deep breath and lay down on the bed and closed her eyes.

She ran through the events of the night in her head. He had kicked off his shows on the stairs, but she undressed the rest of him while they were standing beside her bed. Then, she lay down on the bed and he climbed on top of her. He started off slowly, but there was an intensity to his movements that had never been there before and they both lost themselves quickly.

Then, when he had been least expecting it, she spoke. “You haven’t told me how you feel,” she said.

Chilton didn’t slow down. “I want you,” he breathed.

“But how do you feel?”

“Like I want you.” He still didn’t slow down.

Alana took his face in her hands so he would look at her. “But you’ve had me,” she said. “You’ve had me for so long.”

“Not like this,” he said.

“Like what?”

Chilton stopped and leaned his forehead against hers. Their heavy breaths mingled. He touched her neck lightly, and dragged his fingers down slowly, over her chest and ribs and stomach, stopping above her legs and making small circles around her navel. Alana let out a giggle. His fingers tickled.

“Like it actually means something,” Chilton finally said. He pressed his lips to hers and lowered his hand down between her legs, making her moan into his mouth. His fingers picked up speed and Alana forgot about the question she had asked for the moment.

But only the moment. “But how do you feel?” She repeated.

Chilton pulled away, propping himself up on his hands so he was hovering above her. He looked at her with a look of slight annoyance. “Why are you making this so difficult?” He asked.

“I just want you to say it,” Alana murmured, willing herself not to look away from the intense look in his eyes.

Chilton stared down at her, conflicted, confused, and terrified. Hadn’t he made it clear what he felt?

“Say it,” Alana said after he didn’t say anything for a moment.

“Alana…”

“Please.”

Chilton closed his eyes tightly and drew in a deep breath. “I love being around you,” he sighed after a moment. “I love being with you.” He eyed Alana nervously. “And it was really my own stubbornness and pride that made me act the way I did these past couple months,” he continued, “But the truth is that I want to be with you. Because I love to—”

Alana leaned up and kissed him before he could continue. Chilton hugged her close to him for a moment before pulling away, looking relieved. Alana gave him a small smiled and touched his cheek. He kissed her fingers before repositioning himself and thrusting into her again.

Back in the present, Alana opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. She could feel her pulse racing behind her ears the same way it had when he told her how he felt about her. She remembered how panicked she had felt in the second that _I love_ had escaped his lips and how relieved she had been when the next word was not _you_.

She had realized quickly that she was not ready to hear his answer to her question, so she cut him off before he could continue.

 _Fuck_ , she thought to herself.

“Fuck,” she said out loud.

 

Alana stood outside Chilton’s office two days later. She had been standing there for three minutes, trying to get herself to knock. She knew this was going to be hard, but it had to be done.  She took a deep breath and knocked.

“Yea?”

She opened the door and smiled timidly. “Hi,” she said, entering the office and closing the door behind her.

Chilton smiled when he saw her. “Hey,” he said, getting up from behind his desk and walking towards her. He kissed her on the lips lightly, not noticing that she had been completely unresponsive. “I haven’t heard from you since the night at your place,” he continued.

“Yea, I’m sorry about that,” said Alana sheepishly. “I had a lot going on.”

Chilton nodded. “I understand,” he said. “Stop hovering by the door, Alana, come in,” he added.

Alana stepped further into his office, heading towards the window. She stared out at the sky as Chilton stood leaning against his desk. “Is something the matter?” He asked.

Alana squeezed her eyes shut. “A little bit, yes.” She turned to him, and her stomach churned at the sight of him. He looked so concerned for her that he seemed to completely forget about himself.

“I have been thinking about you and me,” she said, “And the two of us together.”

Chilton smiled. “So have I,” he said.

Alana frowned. “Frederick…”

A look of understanding crossed Chilton’s face. He stood up straight.

“I don’t know what to say,” she said.

“Just say it,” he said, repeating what she had said to him.

Alana sighed. “I can’t be with you, Frederick,” she said. “I care about you, but I don’t think I could be with you.”

Chilton clenched his jaw and looked away from her.

“Jack offered me a job as an FBI consultant,” Alana explained when he didn’t say anything. “I'll be working with him, and I'll be teaching more frequently at the Academy. That doesn’t have anything to do with my decision, but I thought that I’d ought—”

“I let you in, Alana.” Chilton cut her off.

Alana faltered. “I know you did,” she sighed. “I'm glad you did, but we...we're destructive, Frederick.”

Chilton furrowed his brows at her. “What are you talking about?”

“We fight all the time—”

“No we don't.”

“We do! And we disagree on everything!”

“So what?” Chilton demanded.

“So that's not a healthy relationship to be in,” Alana said.

“We fight because you get offended when I do my job!” Chilton accused.

“And you're never going to stop doing your job,” countered Alana.

“But then what's the problem, Alana?” he asked. “You just said you'll be taking the FBI consultant position.”

“I know,” she said, closing her eyes. “But our problems aren't going to just go away.”

“What problems?” Exclaimed Chilton.

“You're not good for me. I'm not good for you,” she said, “We seem to bring out the worst in each other.”

“That's a lie,” he said forcibly.

“We don't work, Frederick,” said Alana, wanting badly for him to understand. “Can you really see us together?”

“Yes, I can. I _have_! I have seen us together. Have we not been together for the past 2 and half months?” His voice was growing more and more powerful with each word.

“Frederick...”

“You're running away, Alana,” he accused.

Alana shook her head. “That's not what I'm doing,” she muttered.

“Yes, it is. You're a coward.” 

“No! I just—”

“Why did you even let me kiss you?” he yelled suddenly. “And why did you let me fuck you if you didn’t want to be with me?”

Alana cringed at the harshness of his tone. “I didn’t know how I felt at the time.”

“Then why didn’t you just fucking tell me that?” He cried, throwing his hands up.

“I don’t know! I’m so sorry, Frederick, I really am!” Alana pleaded, “I know there is no excuse for what I did. It was horrible and insensitive and awful—”

“Yea. Yea, it was,” he spat.

“But now I'm doing what I feel is right,” she added.

“But shouldn't we talk about this?”

“No.” 

“But why?!”

“Because I've made up my mind, Frederick!” Alana cried. “You're not going to change it.”

Chilton closed his mouth and clenched his teeth. He put a hand up to his face and turned away from her, starting to pace.

Alana watched how tense he was under his clothes. He was angry and hurt and she didn’t know what to do or say, so she said the first thing in her mind. “Maybe it would be easier if we forget that we ever—”

Chilton turned back to her abruptly. “Ever started this?” he said aggressively, finishing her thought.

Alana nodded once. “Yes,” she mumbled.

“This was all your idea, Alana,” he snarled.

“I know.” 

“You're the one who started this.”

“I know. I—”

“You're the one who wanted it!”

“Freder—”

“And you're the one who asked for more!” Chilton screamed, making her flinch. “Well I'm giving you more aren't I? You asked for it, I gave it to you and now you decide it's not enough?!”

Alana trembled in her spot by the window. She wrapped her arms around herself and looked down.

“Fine.” He said, his voice low but filled with rage. “We'll pretend.”

“You don’t have—”

“No, that's fine,” he cut her off. “I like pretending. I am _good_ at pretending. I had been pretending for a year that I didn't want you and you _never_ caught on.”

Alana felt something tighten in her chest. She was having trouble breathing steadily. “Frederick—”

“No it's okay.”

“But I—”

“I agreed, didn't I?” He said, more harsh and forceful this time. “We'll forget this ever happened.”

“Maybe we shouldn't,” Alana whimpered.

“I think we should. We should forget—”

“Frederick—”

“—That we ever knew each other.”

Alana inhaled sharply at his words. She had expected this to be hard, but she hadn’t expected Chilton to react quite so strongly. This had turned out to be much harder than she had anticipated, and the fact that she still had feelings for him only made it worse.

“I have no problem pretending that I don't want you,” he added after a moment.

Alana could do nothing but stare at him. His voice had become low and slow, making her hang on every single word that he said.

Alana dug her nails into her arms and chewed the inside of her cheek. She wanted so desperately to hug him, but she could barely get her mouth to utter anything meaningful so she doubted she could get her feet to move.

Chilton turned away from her and walked around his desk. “I expect a resignation letter on my desk by Monday,” he said, sitting down in his chair. “Don't bother coming in before that.” He picked up a pen and continued the paperwork he had been working on before Alana had come in.

She took a step towards him. “Frederick…”

He didn't look up. “Goodbye, Dr. Bloom,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is okay... The next chapter will be an epilogue. Please let me know what you guys thought!


	16. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very gory. I feel like I should warn you, even though if you watch Hannibal, gore really shouldn't be that big an issue. Anyway, enjoy!

“Does it have to be you?” He muttered. “Seems like one final indignity.”

Alana stared at Chilton in an orange jumpsuit chained to the table across from her. He had stubble and noticeable frown lines that hadn’t been there when they had worked together. She had briefly worried once that she might be developing frown lines after Will was incarcerated. It had been a fleeting thought, but seeing all the lines on Chilton’s face exaggerated by the dim light of the interrogation room brought her mind back to that thought.

“Not like you to hide an achievement,” she replied.

“The achievement is _not mine_.”

This was something that he had said multiple times, that Hannibal is the Chesapeake Ripper, but even if all the evidence in the world pointed to Hannibal, Alana would never believe it. Looking across the table at the man that she once had felt so much towards now made her feel nauseated and disgusted. Through everything that had happened after she had ended things between the two of them, Alana had never actually believed that Frederick Chilton had it in him to kill anyone. But now, here he was, and the truth had been revealed. He had _always_ been a killer. He was a murderer long before she had met him, and he had been a murderer when she kissed him and when she slept with him and when she laughed with him and when she fought with him. He had been a murderer when she held him to her body and told him that he was light despite the darkness around him, and now it was revealed to her that he had been the dark after all.

She had been so certain that she knew him, knew who he was. So certain that the fact that fifty percent of his DNA being made up by a serial killer hadn’t fazed her in the slightest. But she hadn’t known him. But she did now.

For a long time after she had left the hospital, she did not speak with Chilton, or even see him, really. After he dismissed her from his office, Alana speed walked to her office and closed the door. She sank down onto the floor and sobbed silently. She hadn’t wanted it to end this way, and the way Chilton looked at her, the feelings of hurt and betrayal expressed clearly on his face, made her want to take everything back, but she knew that would be a mistake. She sat in her office for five minutes, but it felt like hours, and when she felt like she could go on her day and act like nothing was the matter, her office line rang. Chilton’s secretary rang and told her that Chilton had cleared her schedule for the day, so she could go home. Alana obliged, this time not letting herself go until she walked in the front door.

When she had stopped by to pack up her office the following Monday, she saw Chilton and he didn’t acknowledge her presence, even after she greeted him. She had felt so sad then, and the stares that she received from other workers did not help. Apparently someone had heard Chilton yelling at her in his office and spread the word that the two of them were having an affair. Despite its truthfulness, no one really believed the tale because they had known that Alana had gotten a new job, so they assumed that Chilton was just angry with her for leaving the hospital.

Even so, this was the first time that there was drama that involved the psychiatrists of the hospital, not the inmates or other workers, so Alana could feel the stares on her as she walked through the lobby. She felt bad that Chilton had to deal with this. Then she wondered if he even noticed.

She would not see Chilton again for many months. She had begun to think that they would not cross paths again, but after Jack begun to suspect that Abel Gideon had not been the Chesapeake Ripper, that the Ripper was still out there, she was to have a therapy session with Gideon.

Will had completely forgotten that she used to work at the hospital, which made sense because they met because Jack had hired her to analyse Will. She didn’t talk much about the hospital to him so it was only natural that he forgot about her job there.

She went to the hospital with Will. When he introduced her to Chilton, instead of correcting him and saying they already knew each other, Chilton pretended that it was the first time he met her. Caught completely off guard by this, Alana could do nothing but simply play along. Regardless of how unpleased this made her, Alana tried to act civil, but Chilton was nothing but condescending towards her—and it didn’t help that Will noticed.

After their meeting, Alana found herself angrier with Chilton than she had been before. She had assumed that their meeting again after all this time would be awkward, uncomfortable, and tense. She didn’t think that he would literally pretend like he had never met her. _How absolutely petty can a grown man be_? She had thought bitterly. She knew that Chilton had a right to be angry with her, but she had assumed that after all this time, he would have simmered down. It had been so long since they had last spoke, but it had become clear that he was holding a grudge. It irritated Alana, and it sure didn’t help how she felt towards him when he seemed to have been psychic driving Gideon into believing he was the Ripper.

She encountered Chilton a handful of times afterwards, mostly in professional settings, but there were a couple of social gatherings in which they had crossed paths. His behaviour towards her became worse with every meeting and Alana felt herself starting to become completely bitter towards him.

Although, that did not stop her from panicking when she heard of his disembowelment at the hands of Gideon. The mental image burned in the back of her mind. It broke her heart, especially knowing that Chilton’s father killed so many patients during surgery.

She went to visit him at the hospital, hoping to help him feel better, and maybe even reconcile what had been broken, but he was nothing but cold towards her. When she expressed concern, he snarled something about pity and threw harsh insults her way. That was the breaking point for Alana. Everything that had been lingering in her heart and mind disappeared and she came to resent him completely.

But even then, she hadn’t thought he was a killer.

So when she sat, staring at Chilton in chains, she felt nothing but utter repulsion. She leaned over the table at him as he denied what he had done and blamed Hannibal.

“Don’t say I did not warn you, Dr. Bloom,” he told her. Shortly afterwards, he added, “In fact, I believe these should be my last words on the subject of the Ripper until my lawyer arrives.”

Alana watched him warily. She could not force him to speak if he didn’t want to, so she didn’t say anything else. It was hard for her not to notice how much older he looked in the lighting of the room. She could see the grey hairs in his beard and the wrinkles forming on his forehead and around his eyes. She wondered briefly if he ever became distressed over his flaws. He was conscious of his looks, always so vain—

Her thoughts were cut off by a loud bang, followed immediately by the sound of shattering glass. She dove to the ground, not knowing for a moment how and why someone had just shot a bullet into the interrogation room. She looked up when everything stilled, but instantaneously wished she hadn’t.

Chilton dangled off the table, his chair having fallen from the impact of the bullet through his face. The chains around his wrists had prevented him from falling to the ground so his torso was almost entirely suspended in midair. Her eyes moved to the flow of blood coming down from the back of his head, making a rapidly growing puddle on the floor.

Alana lay on the floor, frozen. She could hear Jack’s voice calling medical and getting guards to take Mariam away. A security guard burst into the interrogation room with keys to unchain Chilton from the table. This seemed to snap Alana out of her trance and she dove to Chilton as soon as the guard had laid him on the floor and backed away. _Frederick, oh my god, Frederick_! She frantically grabbed his head, trying to stop the bleeding with her hands. The sticky red liquid was everywhere. It soaked the hem of her dress and wet her knees and dripped up and down her arms. Her efforts to stop the blood turned to her caressing his head in her arms. _No._

She pressed her fingers to his neck to find a pulse, relieved when she felt it. It was faint, but it was there. _Stay with me, Frederick, please_. She covered the opening on the back of his head where the bullet had exited with her hand, but the blood gushed out from between her fingers. She found herself pressing her face to his, and she could feel the hole in his face her cheek. _Please, Frederick. Please live. Please. Frederick…_

Medical arrived in the room, accompanied by Jack. He pulled Alana up and away from Chilton and only then did she realize that she had been screaming—screaming his name, screaming at him to live, screaming at him to stay alive. Her thoughts had not been whispered in her head but screamed out loud. Her cheeks were damp from the tears that she hadn’t known were streaming down her face.

As Chilton was taken away, she covered her mouth with her hands, forgetting about the blood that she was covered in and getting it on her face and in her mouth. But she didn’t notice. As soon as the medics were out of sight, she turned to Jack, and demanded to know what had happened.

Jack calmly explained everything to Alana, but she did not calm down. She screamed at him, asked him why Mariam had a gun, and then why he was carrying a gun around someone so unstable.

Jack let her yell and shout until she finally ran out of anger and sat down on the chair she had been in during the interview. She buried her face in her hands. Jack awkwardly patted her shoulder. “I know this was a shock,” he said. “They’re going to do everything in their power to save him.”

Alana didn’t react to any of his words. Jack sighed. “I realize this must be hard for you,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets, “Seeing as you used to work with him.”

Alana moved her hands from her face and nodded once, staring at the floor in front of her. Jack took the hint and left her, leaving the door open only enough to allow a single sliver of light to shine through. She sat in the dark room, bowed her head, and started to sob. Her tears were mixing with the blood on her face and her gasps were causing more blood to get in her mouth but at this point, she didn’t care. Chilton’s blood was everywhere on her—her hair, her clothes, under her nails, her legs, her hands. She was completely covered in and surrounded by Frederick Chilton.

She stayed there until her sobs died down and she was no longer having trouble breathing. Her eyes were burning, her cheeks were stinging, and her throat felt raw. Tears were still running down her cheeks, but the blood had begun to dry. She thought bitterly about how ridiculous and pathetic she must have looked.

Alana stood and walked slowly over to the cuffs that had chained Chilton to the table and picked them up off the floor. They, too, were covered in blood and felt sticky in her hands. She frowned at the object in her hands. She had surprised herself. She would never have thought that she would react the way she did to something like this happening. She was so certain that she had felt complete apathy towards him by now.

And Jack had been so completely confused. He knew of her distaste towards Chilton so it must have been a complete shock to see her holding him to her and screaming at him to stay with her. Her head began to pound.

She let the cuffs fall out of her hand, letting them hit the wet floor with a dull, unsatisfying _cluck_. She wondered if Chilton would make it through this, and if he did, how he would be affected by it.

Alana felt a sting through her chest when she thought of how much this would torture Chilton, but she angrily reminded herself that he deserved it, that he was a murderer, and that he deserved to suffer. That he killed Beverly. But no matter how much she willed herself to go back to her state of apathy, she could not.

 _I didn’t just work with him, Jack_ , she thought, referencing what he had said before he left the room. _I think I loved him_.

With a deep sigh, Alana walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh it feels so weird that I'm done! This fic was a total of 142 pages, which isn't really that long, but it's much longer than I thought it would be when I came up with the idea. Thank you all SOOOO much for reading, and I hope you liked it! Please comment and let me know what you think! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Fallacies fanart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1885479) by [Ciorane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ciorane/pseuds/Ciorane)




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